A message from the Ministry of Misadventure, in cooperation with Red Cape Games and the Guild of Concerned Clerics.
Do you or someone you love suffer from Dungeon Dilirium? You might, if you’ve recently shouted “I cast Eldritch Fireball!” at the Tesco self-checkout or demanded to know your co-worker’s Armour Class before the morning meeting.
Dungeon Dilirium is a serious condition caused by overexposure to Dungeons & Dragons, late-night dice rituals, and prolonged inhalation of miniature paint fumes.
COMMON SYMPTOMS INCLUDE:
Speaking exclusively in archaic riddles and demanding “a perception check” before entering the loo.
Introducing yourself at work as Gorath the Mildly Threatening.
Measuring distances in “squares” and trying to flank your boss during meetings.
Emotional instability upon hearing the words “critical fail.”
A compulsive need to hoard snacks “for the party.”
Attempting to seduce dragons, barmaids, or the pizza delivery lad “for XP.”
ADVANCED CASES MAY INCLUDE:
Arguing about THAC0 in public.
Refusing to use modern dice sets on the grounds that “the old ones had more soul.”
Yelling “BECMI FOREVER!” in shopping centres while brandishing a battered Rules Cyclopedia.
Refusing to acknowledge any edition after 1985, insisting that ascending Armour Class is “witchcraft.”
Building shrines to Frank Mentzer using graph paper and candlelight.
Muttering “Dave Arneson was robbed” whenever anyone mentions Gygax.
SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS:
Researchers at the Royal Institute of Nerdology report that long-term sufferers begin seeing d20s in their dreams, hearing faint lute music at all hours, and insisting that “the DM is out to get me” (which, statistically, is accurate).
Control groups exposed to Pathfinder exhibited similar symptoms, but with more paperwork and frequent complaints about encumbrance rules.
TREATMENT OPTIONS:
Currently, there is no known cure, though symptoms can be managed by:
Touching grass (real grass, not “druid grass”).
Conversing with non-player humans.
Watching sport (but not cricket, lest it be mistaken for turn-based combat).
Remembering that real life doesn’t have hit points, only emotional damage.
If symptoms persist for more than four sessions, consult your local Cleric or roll a Wisdom saving throw.
WARNING:
Dungeon Dilirium may spread through contact with dice, podcasts, or anyone who begins a sentence with “my character would never…”
Do not attempt to cure Dungeon Dilirium by starting “just one more campaign.”
That’s how they get you.
Dungeon Dilirium:
It’s not just a game… it’s a saving throw against reality.
GROGNARD HOTLINE
If you or someone you know has begun quoting Gygax at dinner parties, contact the Grognard Hotline immediately at 0800-BECMI-4EVR.
Trained volunteers are standing by to provide:
Unsolicited rules corrections from 1983.
Detailed lectures on why race-as-class “made perfect sense.”
Emotional support during arguments with “new edition heretics.”
A special segment titled Dave Arneson Deserved Better.
Access to our exclusive therapy group, Anonymous Dungeon Masters of the Old Ways.
Call today!
Because when someone says “fifth edition streamlined the rules,”
you deserve someone who understands your pain… and your descending Armour Class.
Comments
Post a Comment