Table of Terrible Tables: RANDOM TRANSMUTATIONS (d12)

  1. The Bronze Bottom – Your trousers fuse into bronze. Gain AC +1 (as if wearing metal greaves). Disadvantage/–2 penalty on Stealth. Removing requires a Dispel Magic or three tins of WD-40.

  2. Wand of Slightly Warmer Tea – Your wand becomes a teaspoon. Counts as a mundane spoon. Spellcasting focus/implement no longer functions. Tea reheated by 1°C once per hour.

  3. Croissant Familiar – Your familiar is replaced by a flaky pastry. It functions as a normal familiar but has 1 hp, 5 ft. speed, and cannot attack. After 24 hours it becomes stale and inedible (or edible, DM’s choice).

  4. Bag of Crisps → Bag of Snakes – Once per day, when you reach for rations/snacks, roll 1d6: that many harmless Tiny snakes slither out. They disperse in 1 minute unless annoyed.

  5. Stone to Flesh (Sort Of) – Only noses animate. Target statue’s nose sneezes dust clouds. Creatures in 10 ft. must save vs. Breath Weapon (BECMI) or CON save DC 13 (5e) or be blinded for 1 round.

  6. Wizard’s Beard Reversal – If bearded: your beard transmutes into a long silky ponytail on your chin. If unbearded: you sprout a magnificent walrus moustache instantly. No combat effect, but Persuasion/Reaction checks at DM’s discretion. The beard regrows/recedes daily until cured.

  7. Potion of Self-Storage – A random party member shrinks to fit inside a backpack. Treated as Reduce spell (Enlarge/Reduce in 5e). Lasts 1d4 turns (BECMI) or 1d4 minutes (5e). They can still speak.

  8. Feather Fall, But Only Socks – If a creature falls, its socks descend gently while the rest of the body takes normal falling damage. Socks survive intact.

  9. Cabbage Conspiracy – For 24 hours, any non-magical metal item you touch turns into a cabbage of equivalent weight. Worthless after 1d6 days.

  10. Chair to Ogre – Sitting on a chair summons an adult ogre (standard stats) in its place. The ogre is confused but hostile. One use only per day.

  11. Transmute Rock to Rockier Rock – The spell slot is wasted, but the target rock looks slightly better. Anyone examining it must succeed on an INT check (BECMI) or INT save DC 10 (5e) or agree it’s “noticeably rockier.”

  12. Personal Gravity – Your gravity detaches. You orbit the nearest ally within 30 ft. as if affected by Levitate (unwilling). Movement tied to their position until dispelled.


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