From the fine(ish) alchemists who brought you “Ye Olde Cheez Puffe” and that unfortunate exploding custard…
TASTE LIKE A CRITICAL HIT
Cobble-Cola™ isn’t just a beverage; it’s a bubbling elixir of questionable legality guaranteed to wake the dragon in your belly. One sip and you’ll swear you’ve got +2 to Charisma, though it won’t fix your singing voice at the tavern’s open mic night.
APPROVED BY WIZARDS… SORT OF
A panel of three wizards gave it “Marginally Non-Toxic” in a blind tasting. (One of them’s still blind.)
PERFECT FOR:
Quenching your thirst after a day of heroic looting
Cleaning rust off your chainmail
Summoning questionable burps during stealth missions
Making bards slightly more tolerable
NOW WITH A HINT OF LEMON… OR POSSIBLY LANTERN OIL
Our flavour wizards can’t quite agree, but it’s definitely zesty.
NEW BRITANNIA-APPROVED SLOGAN:
“Cobble-Cola™ — Put Some Pep in Your Step… Before the Goblins Nick Your Boots!”
Only 5 silver pieces a bottle (plus a modest dragon-hoard-sized deposit on the bottle).
WARNING: Side effects may include hiccuped fireballs, spontaneous bardic limericks, and thinking you can wrestle an owlbear. Drink responsibly… or at least dramatically.
(Not affiliated with any real-world colas. May contain actual cobblestones.)
OI! THINK YOU’RE CLEVERER THAN THE CLOTPOLL WHO RUNS YOUR WEEKEND DUNGEONS?
Of course you do. Don’t look so innocent, everyone’s seen you rolling your eyes every time they call for yet another perception check to open a ruddy door.
You remember the day, don’t you? The DM whispered, a bit too loudly, that you “couldn’t run a game hosted by Grok if your life depended on it.” Ever since, you’ve been plotting your glorious revenge, like some sort of budget-level lich with a vendetta.
Well, your time has come. Presenting DUNGEON DUNCE: The TTRPG Family Farce, the game that lets you seize the Dungeon Master’s chair and promptly fall off it.
Unleash Dungeon Dunce on your unsuspecting party, and you’ll be the talk of the tavern, the undisputed, beloved DM of all time… or at least until your bard starts rules-lawyering again.
(Disclaimer: May cause fits of laughter, table-flipping, and irreparable bruising to fragile egos. Not recommended for lawful-neutral in-laws.)
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