Because nothing says “eternal damnation” like questionable dental hygiene…
D12 ENCOUNTERS YOU’LL WISH YOU NEVER ROLLED
(Print this, spill tea on it, and pretend you planned it.)
1. THE NOSFERATU NEIGHBOUR
You wanted a quiet flatshare. Instead, you got a bloke who calls garlic “hate speech” and uses coffin lids as chopping boards. His idea of a Netflix binge? YOU, literally.
2. BARGAIN BIN DRACULA
Found at every car boot sale: “Genuine Gothic Capes Only £4.99!” Made from Primark curtains and raw regret. Comes with one free ominous whisper.
3. VEGAN VAMPIRE SUPPORT GROUP
Basement of the local church hall. Slogan on the wall: “Carrots, Not Carotids.” They say they don’t drink blood… but that one guy is licking his lips like he’s at Greggs.
4. THE COFFIN CAB
Your Uber’s here! The driver’s playlist is all Bauhaus and The Cure. The air freshener smells like formaldehyde. There’s a suspicious “No Daylight” sticker on the window.a
5. BLOOD BANK HEIST
Looks like an episode of The Bill… if everyone in the cast were undead. One vampire asks your blood type, then says: “B-Positive? Ha! Not likely, sunshine.”
6. HIPSTER VAMPIRE BARISTA
“This single-origin O-Negative pairs beautifully with despair.” Drinks served lukewarm and pretentious. Extra charge for oat blood. (Ethically sourced from scarecrows.)
7. THE SPARKLY ONE
He broods. He pouts. He writes haikus about pain. You regret every minute you’re alive. His diary is thicker than War and Peace, but less fun.
8. THE FANGFLUENCER
TikTok vampires! “Smash that coffin lid and subscribe, fam!” Their next big collab: ‘I Drank a Paladin’s Blood… You Won’t Believe What Happened!’
9. BUREAUCRATIC VAMPIRE
At the Council Office: “Form 66B – Permission to Bleed.” Processing time: 6 weeks. Or right now… if you let him “fast-track” your jugular.
10. THE BARGAIN BUFFET
“ALL YOU CAN SIP ONE NIGHT ONLY!”
Bring your own straw. (Or your own victims for 20% off.)
11. THE VAMPIRE RAVE
Sweat. Glow sticks. Fangs flying everywhere. Someone’s doing the Macarena ironically. You’ll leave with tinnitus and anaemia.
12. THE UNDEAD ESTATE AGENT
“This lovely castle boasts original brickwork, three oubliettes, and no natural light whatsoever. Just sign here in… red ink. Very red.”
“TIRED OF STAKES THROUGH THE HEART?”
Try Kevlar Waistcoats for the Discerning Nosferatu™!
Now available in ‘Brooding Black’ and ‘Victorian Velvet’.
Warning: Does not protect against wooden spoons wielded by angry grandmothers.
GARLIC ANONYMOUS
“Hi, my name’s Vlad, and I can’t even look at an aioli.”
Weekly meetings in the crypt. Complimentary cloves for burning (not eating).
BRITISH VAMPIRES DON’T SAY:
“Blah blah blah.”
THEY DO SAY:
“Excuse me, mate, fancy a quick nibble of your jugular? Cheers.”
SURVEY:
Q: What’s the scariest thing about vampires?
Their bloodlust (12%)
Their immortality (8%)
The fact they own 27 black turtlenecks (80%)
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