Why have a guest bedroom when you can have a goblin-proof fortress filled with love and caltrops?
Adopt-A-Kobold!
Because even scaly mischief-makers need a loving dungeon!
Tired of cats clawing the curtains? Dogs chewing the furniture? Try a baby kobold! Yes, you heard right. Straight from the dankest caves of the Underdark, we’ve got a surplus of squeaky, trap-setting terrors who just want one thing: to be your new favourite minion.
Why choose a kobold?
Loyal to the death! (Mostly yours.)
Teaches children responsibility! (And how to disarm poisoned darts.)
Small and portable! Fits snugly in a sack, crate, or Bag of Holding.
Economical diet! Kobolds thrive on scraps, insects, and the occasional village goat.
For just 3 gold a day, you’ll receive:
A starter leash of adamantine chain.
A complimentary “House-Traps 101” guidebook.
A month’s supply of Cave Fresh™ Lizard Chow.
BUT WAIT! Adopt now and we’ll throw in a free rusty dagger, guaranteed to give your enemies tetanus and tears!
Visit Magus Mage’s Kobold Crèche today! Located between Ye Olde Goblin Pound and Dungeon Daycare Deluxe.
Remember: Every kobold deserves a hoard... even if it’s just your kitchen drawer.
(Warning: Baby kobolds may grow into full-sized kobolds. Full-sized kobolds may attract dragons. Dragons may eat you. Terms and conditions apply.)
ADVENTURER TESTIMONIALS
Sir Garrick the Bold, Level 8 Paladin
"At first I thought it was madness, but Sir Scalesworth has changed my life. He fetches my boots, polishes my armour, and only bites when the moon is full. Five stars!"
Lira the Rogue, Guild of Silent Daggers
"Picked up a kobold thinking I could train him to pick locks. Now he’s running his own thieves’ guild out of my cellar. Ten out of ten – would adopt again!"
Mordak the Magnificent, Archmage of the Seven Towers
"I was lonely in my tower until I adopted Kevin. Sure, he set off my Fireball scrolls and summoned a minor demon, but who hasn’t? He’s family now."
Throg Ironfist, Dwarven Fighter
"Little lizard kept digging under my walls, so I adopted him. Now he digs for ME! Strong as an ox, eats half as much. What’s not to love?"
DISCLAIMER:
Magus Mage’s Kobold Crèche is not liable for the following:
Sudden infestation of giant rats, gelatinous cubes, or inexplicable skeletal armies.
Missing jewellery, missing livestock, or missing limbs.
Fire damage caused by accidental dragon summoning during playtime.
Spontaneous worship of Tiamat in your basement (including ritual chanting at 3 a.m.).
Emotional trauma caused by hearing “Yip! Yip! Yip!” for six hours straight.
Hoarding of personal belongings, socks, or small family heirlooms.
Any lawsuits resulting from your kobold constructing a spike pit in the neighbour’s garden.
Side effects of kobold adoption may include: mild blood loss, increased trap paranoia, and the occasional kobold rebellion. If your kobold breathes fire for more than four hours, consult your local wizard.
COMING 5th SEPTEMBER FROM RED CAPE GAMES!
Because your children weren’t confused enough already.
DUNGEON DUNCE is the tabletop tomfoolery your family never asked for, but you’re getting anyway. It’s a family-friendly TTRPG misadventure for parents daring (or daft) enough to lure their kids into the cardboard jungle of dice and despair.
Designed for players who peak at Level 9, because anything higher cuts into nap time, Dungeon Dunce brings classic dungeon nonsense crashing into bedtime routines, school-night sugar crashes, and arguments about who gets to play the talking teapot.
Whether your kid becomes a Slayer with a kazoo or a Mage powered by biscuits, Dungeon Dunce is the chaotic bedtime storybook you never meant to open.
And yes, the first adventure is included. And yes, it's already going horribly wrong.
DISCLAIMER:
Red Cape Games accepts no liability for the moment your darling offspring turns into a tactical genius and begins quoting the rulebook at you like a tiny legal barrister in dragon-print pyjamas.
We are not responsible for:
Children outsmarting their parents.
Parents rage-quitting after losing a duel to a sock puppet dragon.
Emotional damage caused by being out-roleplayed by a six-year-old holding a juice box.
Play at your own risk. Lose at your own peril. And if it all goes horribly wrong?
Don’t blame us, mate. We warned you. Right here. In small, sarcastic print.
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