WHAT IF QUENTIN TARANTINO DIRECTED THE LIVE-ACTION 1983 DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CARTOON?

Step aside, cartoon nostalgia, Tarantino’s in the dungeon now. That’s right: your beloved 1983 animated Dungeons & Dragons gang, brought to grimy, blood-splattered live-action glory. Expect: slow-motion sword swings, epic monologues about halfling toes, and a dragon who drops an F-bomb before it eats you.

Hollywood is in a frenzy over whispers that Quentin Tarantino, who swore on a stack of dice that he’d “never direct another feature,” has quietly cast his latest project: a live-action adaptation of the 1983 Dungeons & Dragons cartoon. Early reports claim Finn Wolfhard, Storm Reid, and Christian Convery are signed on as the teenage adventurers, with Samuel L. Jackson inexplicably voicing the baby unicorn, Uni. Sources say the set is “50% glittering dungeon slime, 50% screaming teens, 100% chaos,” and insiders can’t confirm if anyone will survive the first week of shooting.

THE PREMISE (OR SOMETHING LIKE IT)

Six teenagers, Hank, Eric, Diana, Sheila, Presto, and Bobby, are zapped from a roller coaster into a fantasy realm by the mysterious Dungeon Master. They get magical powers. They get weird costumes. And, if the dice are feeling mean, they get obliterated by goblins, gelatinous cubes, or just bad dialogue.

Guiding them? Uni the baby unicorn, normally sweet and innocent… but voiced by Samuel L. Jackson, of course. Because nothing says “adorable magical sidekick” like a tiny horned pony swearing like a sailor while explaining arcane lore.

THE CAST OF HEROES

Hank the Ranger — Finn Wolfhard: The unofficial leader. Brooding, heroic, and occasionally dramatically betrayed by his own dice rolls.

Eric the Cavalier — Jharrel Jerome: Brash, self-centred, and prone to panic. Perfect for cinematic gold when the dice betray him.

Diana the Acrobat — Storm Reid: Nimble, brave, and sarcastic. Can tumble over traps in stylish slo-mo while lecturing the party about proper loot etiquette.

Sheila the Thief — Mia Threapleton: Invisibility cloak wearer, master of betrayal, and apparently the only one who reads the Dungeon Master’s notes.

Presto the Magician — Owen Cooper: Wishes he were competent. Every miscast spell is filmed like a Tarantino death scene.

Bobby the Barbarian — Christian Convery: Young, fearless, and utterly reckless. Loves swinging a sword and occasionally everyone else’s morale.

THE VILLAINS

Venger — Javier Bardem: The baddie with a vendetta, long monologues, and a penchant for staring at PCs while whispering ominously.

Tiamat — Cate Blanchett (voice): The five-headed dragon goddess. Glorious, terrifying, and capable of delivering each head’s dialogue with unmatched gravitas.

UNI, THE BABY UNICORN

Normally sweet and silent in the cartoon, but in Tarantino’s hands… voiced by Samuel L. Jackson.

Speaks in colourful language, narrates his own narrow escapes, and critiques the party’s dice rolls with biting sarcasm.

Famous line: “You call that a natural 20? Mother-flipping amateurs!”

DUNGEON MASTER

Sources say the part of the Dungeon Master has yet to be cast, but numerous actors have auditioned, including Sir Ian McKellen, Morgan Freeman, and even Nicolas Cage, who reportedly arrived in full wizard robes, waving a crystal orb and muttering, “I am the dice master now.” Insiders claim the auditions were “equal parts terrifying and absurd,” with some actors attempting to improvise dungeon riddles on the spot, while others brought their own magical props, including smoke machines, foggers, and an unsettling number of glitter bombs. The studio has yet to confirm who will guide the hapless teens through Tarantino’s blood-soaked labyrinth, but rumours suggest it will be someone capable of surviving both dragons and a Samuel L. Jackson–voiced unicorn.

THE TARANTINO TOUCH

Violence: Natural 1s? Slow-motion fatalities. Natural 20s? Poetic, gleaming carnage.

Dialogue: Monologues about moral dilemmas, halfling cuisine, dice ethics, and unicorn existential crises.

Style: Grindhouse glamour meets glittering dungeon slime. Slow-motion, extreme close-ups, and shots of halfling toes.

THE SOUNDTRACK

Disco for dungeon corridors (Stayin’ Alive, obviously).

Bagpipes for suspenseful traps.

Kobold deaths scored like a spaghetti-western gunfight.

Uni’s narration occasionally overdubbed over action with a hip-hop beat for dramatic irony.

Q&A WITH TARANTINO

Q: Quentin, why a live-action D&D adaptation?

A: Kids’ cartoons are soft. Dice should betray, PCs should die, unicorns should swear. It’s cinema, man.

Q: Isn’t it too violent?

A: Violence is the dice. Elf dies before the dragon? Poetic justice. Cleric miscasts? Cinematic gold. Unicorn swears at the bard? Iconic.

EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK 

INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Hank, Diana, and Bobby cautiously tiptoe down a dripping stone corridor. The flickering torchlight casts long, exaggerated shadows. Uni, the baby unicorn, trots nervously beside them, muttering in Samuel L. Jackson’s voice.

UNI

You call that a stealthy approach? Mother-flipping amateurs! I’ve seen goblins sneak better than that, and I’m four inches tall!

DIANA

(rolling her eyes)

Uni, not now. We have traps to worry about.

BOBBY

(grinning, swinging his sword)

Traps are fun! I vote we touch everything!

Suddenly, a gelatinous cube oozes from the ceiling, engulfing Eric mid-monologue about treasure etiquette. Presto panics and misfires a spell, igniting the ceiling torches and narrowly missing Venger, who appears at the far end of the corridor, brooding and delivering a 47-second monologue about morality and dice ethics.

VENGER

(ominous)

By the dice, your hubris will be your undoing… and also mildly entertaining.

Cue slow-motion sword swing. Dramatic, overly-epic music. Tarantino-style close-up on Hank’s terrified face.

RELEASE DATE

Hollywood insiders are whispering through their glitter-strewn dungeons that Quentin Tarantino’s live-action adaptation of the 1983 Dungeons & Dragons cartoon is currently shooting this week, yes, this week, presumably while someone accidentally sets a gelatinous cube on fire. Sources suggest the film might lumber into cinemas sometime in late 2026, just in time for audiences to witness teens screaming, unicorns swearing, and dragons delivering five-headed death lectures. Of course, knowing Tarantino, it could easily slip into early 2027, because why rush chaos when you can linger on every halfling toe in glorious slow-motion?

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