(Because you didn’t want to sleep tonight anyway…)
So you’ve fought kobolds, right? Tiny, scaly nuisances who set traps that are about as dangerous as a squeaky shopping trolley. You’ve also fought mind flayers, yeah? Big scary brain-suckers who make you wet yourself with one squishy tentacle twitch. Now imagine the two got together after one too many flagons of “Dungeon Brew” at the Monster Mixer. What do you get? The Koboldflayer!
That’s right: a pocket-sized tentacle-face who still insists on building deathtraps out of twigs, but now also wants to slurp up your grey matter like it’s soup of the day.
Appearance
Imagine a scrawny kobold, scales flaking, eyes beady, but with writhing pink face noodles flapping about where a snout ought to be. The trousers are still too short, because even psychic horrors can’t find the right size at Goblin Gap.
Personality
The Koboldflayer thinks it’s a genius mastermind plotting galaxy-spanning schemes. Unfortunately, it still trips over its own tail and argues with rocks. So you’ve got a tentacled Napoleon complex wrapped in a two-foot scaly package.
Favourite Pastimes
Licking helmets to taste residual brain flavour.
Building pit traps, then falling into them.
Whispering “I’m the real villain!” before being punted across the room by the barbarian.
Stats for BECMI
Armour Class: 4 (because it never learned armour shopping).
Hit Dice: 3+1
Move: 90’ (30’)
Attacks: 1 tentacle slap or Mind Nibble
Damage: 1d4 or Psychic Drain (save vs Spells or lose 1 Intelligence point)
No. Appearing: 1d6 (they travel in pathetic herds)
Morale: 5 (flees at the first sound of boots)
Treasure Type: Copper coins in a sock
Stats for 5e
Small Aberration, Chaotic Stupid
AC: 14 (scaly hide, poor fashion sense)
HP: 22 (5d6+5)
Speed: 30 ft. (10 ft. if sulking)
STR 7, DEX 15, CON 12, INT 13, WIS 8, CHA 6
Skills: Arcana +3, Stealth +4, Complaining +∞
Senses: Darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 9
Languages: Draconic, Deep Speech, and endless whinging
Challenge: 1 (but only emotionally)
Abilities:
Mini-Mind Blast (Recharge 6): Emits a psychic “pop” that stuns creatures in a 10 ft. cone for 1 round unless they succeed on a DC 12 Intelligence save. Looks more adorable than threatening.
Brain Slurp: On a grappled creature with 0 HP, the Koboldflayer can nibble at the brain. Deals 1d6 psychic damage and ruins everyone’s lunch.
Treasure
1d4 rusty daggers, a half-eaten candle, and a leather-bound diary titled “One Day I’ll Be the Boss.”
Adventure Hook
Your party stumbles into a kobold warren, only to find these freaks trying to unionise. Their demands?
Better helmets.
Unlimited brains-on-toast in the mess hall.
A dental plan for the tentacles.
Failure to negotiate results in an uprising… which looks suspiciously like a dozen toddlers with calamari glued to their faces charging at you.
Koboldflayer Trap Inventions (1d12)
Brain Buster Snare: A rope net drops from the ceiling. The knots are tied with tentacles, so it smells like calamari. Save vs Paralysis / DC 13 Dex or get tangled. If caught, you’re also lectured telepathically about “the brilliance of kobold engineering.”
Pit of Mild Discomfort: A pit trap covered in sticks. Fall 5 feet onto… pillows. The Koboldflayer insists it’s “psychological warfare.”
Tentacle Whipstick: A spring-loaded branch with soggy tentacles tied to the end. Swats the victim for 1d4 damage and psychic embarrassment.
Brain Buzzer Helm: A bucket drops onto your head, buzzing with minor psionic energy. Take 1 psychic damage and spend your next action removing it, while hearing the Koboldflayer yell “I am INVINCIBLE!”
Soup Pot Surprise: A cauldron tips over, releasing lukewarm fish soup. No damage, but everyone smells like Friday at the docks. Stealth checks at disadvantage.
Trapdoor of Existential Dread: The floor collapses into a shallow hole scrawled with tentacle doodles. Victim takes 1d2 damage and must save vs Spells / DC 12 Wis or feel inexplicably guilty about their childhood.
The Ol’ Tentacle Tripwire: A slimy rope stretched across the corridor. Trip and fall prone. The Koboldflayer then applauds itself for “tactical genius.”
Brain-Slurp Balloon: A pig bladder filled with foul-smelling goo explodes overhead. Targets must save vs Poison / DC 12 Con or lose 1 point of Intelligence until they wash it off.
Crossbow of Disappointment: A crossbow rigged to fire… backwards. It hits the Koboldflayer instead. Roll for damage and enjoy the show.
Mind-Reading Chalkboard: Victims must save vs Spells / DC 13 Int. Fail, and your most embarrassing secret is scribbled on the wall in chalky Draconic handwriting.
Tentacle Catapult: A wobbly plank launches a soggy tentacle into your face. 1 psychic damage, plus you smell like squid for the rest of the day.
Ultimate Death Machine 3000: A massive contraption of gears, levers, and ropes. Looks terrifying. Does nothing. The Koboldflayer weeps when you ignore it.
Field Guide to the Koboldflayer
*(Excerpt from “Monsters That Shouldn’t Exist, But Do Anyway” by Sir Reginald Brainmush, Esq.)
Name: Koboldflayer
Classification: Aberration / Cosmic Joke
Natural Habitat: Anywhere kobolds live, but slimier and with more brain doodles on the walls.
Threat Level: Mild to moderately embarrassing.
General Description
Picture, if you will, a kobold. Now give it a squid mask, shrink its self-esteem, and let it believe it’s the smartest thing since sliced owlbear. That’s a Koboldflayer. These things shuffle about with twitching tentacles, whispering psychic insults into your skull, while simultaneously tripping over their own tails.
Diet
Brains, allegedly. In practice, most Koboldflayers nibble on moss, stale bread, and their own fingernails. Brains are a delicacy, but the little idiots rarely manage to get one.
Mating Rituals
You don’t want to know. Involves chanting in Deep Speech and arguing over trap blueprints.
Common Sounds
“BEHOLD, MY MIND IS LIMITLESS!”
Wet tentacle slurping noises.
The sound of it running away after taking 3 hit points of damage.
Combat Tactics
Pretends to be terrifying.
Uses psychic powers to make you forget why you came into the room.
Flees if anyone sneezes in its direction.
Weaknesses
Everything.
Fire.
Strong words.
Being punted across the dungeon by the barbarian.
Advice for Adventurers
If you encounter a Koboldflayer, resist the urge to laugh. They hate that. Aim for the tentacles, or don’t, they’ll probably knock themselves out on the dungeon furniture before you land a blow. If captured alive, the Koboldflayer makes an excellent conversation piece at parties, provided your guests enjoy incoherent screaming about “the Great Brain Empire to Come.”
Final Notes
The Koboldflayer is living proof that kobolds should never have access to cosmic horror genetics. Whoever approved this combination in the Monster Factory deserves to be forced to eat a gelatinous cube with a fork.
Still want more? Try playing DUNGEON DUNCE The TTRPG Family Farce with your family.
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