You’re strolling along the sun-baked plain, whistling a jaunty tune and congratulating yourself on still having all your limbs. Suddenly, the ground goes all wibbly, like your Uncle Nigel after his sixth pint. A low rumble rises from below, and before you can say “This is a perfectly safe place to nap,” a great bleeding shark with legs bursts out of the earth like a deranged pastry from an overstuffed oven.
Yes, dear adventurer, you’ve met the Land Shark, also known as the Bulette. It’s big, it’s hungry, and it doesn’t give a fig about your personal space.
Quick Stat Rant (Because Someone Will Ask):
BECMI Bulette
Armour Class: 0 (because why not)
Hit Dice: 9 (and it’s having a good day)
Attacks: Bite 4d12 (like an angry tax collector)
Move: 150’ (50’)
Treasure Type: E (probably your stuff after it eats you)
Morale: 10 (confident, like a bloke who’s sure he’ll pull tonight)
5e Bulette
AC: 17 (Natural Armour, courtesy of Mother Earth)
HP: 94 (9d10 + 45; basically a living tank)
Speed: 40 ft. (burrow 40 ft. because underground shark)
Bite: +7 to hit, 4d12 + 4 (it’s got a big mouth, all right)
Leap Attack: Bonus points for aerial acrobatics of doom
The Situation:
The land around you starts looking like a pudding on wash day, and—POP!—up comes Mr Bulette, ready for a late brunch. It fixes you with its beady little “you’ll look great with ketchup” eyes.
You have three options, each as sensible as asking a dragon for a light:
Option 1: Leg It Like a Cowardly Gazelle
You engage the fabled adventurer tactic known as “tactical repositioning at high speed.” Roll Dexterity to run for the hills, or at least a bush.
If you succeed: Congratulations! You’ve escaped. Sadly, you’ve left your pack behind. Inside was your last healing potion, three sausages, and your diary full of embarrassing love poetry. Good luck explaining that.
If you fail: The Bulette catches up and introduces you to the concept of “blunt force dentistry” as it bites you in half. Roll a new character, preferably one with wheels.
Option 2: Feed It Something That Isn’t You
You chuck your rations at it, or, if you’re feeling spicy, your least-favourite party member (you know the one who always “forgets” to heal you).
If the Bulette likes the snack: It stops, munches, and burrows away like an overfed mole. You live! Your moral standing, however, plummets faster than a dwarf in plate mail.
If the Bulette isn’t impressed: It eats the food and then eats you. Double the calories, zero remorse.
Option 3: Go Full Hero Mode
You grip your sword (or lute, you poor bard) and yell something heroic like, “Not today, foul beast!” before engaging in combat.
If you win: You gain bragging rights, a few shiny teeth for your necklace, and enough Bulette meat to start an underground barbecue business.
If you lose: At least you’ll make a cracking campfire story for the next lot of adventurers, assuming they can scrape you off the ground.
As the Bulette lumbers away, you hear it burp. You’re fairly sure it says, “Next time, bring seasoning.”
Loot Table: “What Falls Out of the Bulette (Besides You)”
(Roll 1d12 when the beast finally stops chewing)
1. 2d6 Bulette Teeth
Sharp enough to carve steak, or your adventuring budget. Fashionable necklace guaranteed to impress goblins.
2. 1d4 Gemstones (worth 50 gp each)
Apparently, this shark’s on a gem cleanse. Fancy!
3. Half a Knight (still wearing half of his armour)
The lower half. It’s awkward.
4. A Signed Copy of How to Dig Like a Pro by Dug Dugson
First edition, dirt-stained but collectible. Worth 25 gp to the right nerd.
5. A Bag of Holding (with a suspicious bite mark)
Contents? One old boot, three biscuits, and an IOU from a wizard.
6. 3d10 gp and 1d6 sp (all slightly damp)
Smells faintly of wet dog and earthworms.
7. A Live Mole in a Tiny Top Hat
He claims to be a “freelance excavation consultant.” Chaotic Neutral.
8. A Rusty Dwarf Warhammer
Covered in something you hope is ketchup. Deals -1 damage until repaired.
9. The Upper Half of That Same Knight
He’s surprisingly chatty for a torso. Wants revenge. Or tea.
10. 1d4 Random Magic Trinkets
Examples:
A monocle that makes everything look posh.
A spoon that screams when dipped in soup.
A hat that politely insults anyone who touches it.
11. A Map to a “Secret Treasure”
Written in Bulette drool. Leads to a tavern bathroom with a coin behind the cistern.
12. A Partially Digested Adventurer Journal
Contains:
3 cryptic quest hooks.
Several soggy love sonnets.
The phrase: “If you’re reading this, it’s too late.”
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