You stumble into a clearing that smells faintly of cabbage soup, wet socks, and Eau de Sulphur. At the centre, hunched over a bubbling cauldron, is a witch. Not your sleek Disney variety, but the full-on, “my warts have warts” edition.
She turns, squints, and lets out a squeal that could strip wallpaper. “Vladislav, my eternal darling! You’ve returned!”
Congratulations. She thinks you’re her undead squeeze. Which is odd, because you’ve got a pulse (hopefully).
The Witch
She’s prepared a love spell for her long-lost vampire beau, but she’s got all the subtlety of a hammer to the forehead.
BECMI Stats:
AC: 6
HD: 5* (spells, cackle, questionable perfume)
MV: 120’ (40’)
Att: 1 staff or spelli
Dmg: 1d6 or spell
Save: MU5
Morale: 8
Treasure: Cauldron full of something green and lumpy (counts as 200 gp if you can sell it to a hipster café).
5e Stats: (use as a reskinned Mage)
AC: 12
HP: 40 (9d8)
Speed: 30 ft.
Attacks: Quarterstaff (+2 to hit, 1d6 bludgeoning)
Spellcasting: 5th-level caster, uses Intelligence. Spells include Charm Person, Sleep, Misty Step, Hypnotic Pattern, Fireball, Counterspell, Hold Person.
Personality Trait: Convinced every pale person with dark hair is her ex.
The Scene
She shuffles closer, waving a wilted bouquet of garlic flowers. “Let me enchant you, my coffin-crumpet!”
Before you can explain you’re not Vladislav, she starts muttering in iambic pentameter. The cauldron belches smoke shaped like hearts, bats, and tax forms.
What You Do
You’ve got three ways this can go, depending on how much you fancy being magically wooed by a woman who uses a crow’s foot as a hairpin.
Play Along
You pretend to be her vampire lover. Roll Charisma (Deception) DC 15 (or Reaction Roll in BECMI). Success means she gifts you a potion of “Eternal Passion” (actually just a potion of Heroism with glitter). Failure means she realises you’re not Vladislav and drops a Fireball out of spite.Break the Spell
You try to snap her out of it. This requires clever banter, garlic breath, or a holy symbol. Roll Wisdom (Persuasion or Religion) DC 14 (BECMI: save vs. Spells). If you succeed, she sighs, realises Vladislav is gone forever, and rewards you with a broomstick (functions as a Broom of Flying, though it occasionally sneezes). If you fail, she turns her cauldron upside down, and suddenly it’s a Gelatinous Cube in disguise. Good luck.Stake Your Claim
You tell her flat out you’re not Vladislav. She doesn’t take rejection well. Combat ensues, complete with insults about your haircut. If you defeat her, the cauldron cracks open, revealing 300 gp worth of silver cutlery, one bottle of vampire cologne (“Eau de Grave Dirt”), and a single coffin key. To what coffin? Oh, that’s another adventure.
The witch is less “terrifying hag” and more “your aunt who shows up at Christmastime with homemade sherry that tastes like nail varnish.” She’ll cackle at her own jokes, call you “bat-biscuit” mid-battle, and flirt like a drunk Shakespearean understudy.
Remember: she doesn’t want to kill you, she wants to date you. Which, depending on your charisma score and general hygiene, may be worse.
Witch’s Treasure Table
Roll 1d12 when looting the witch’s lair (or cauldron).
1. Potion of Eternal Passion
BECMI: Works as a Potion of Heroism (500 gp value). Causes an embarrassing pink glow for 1 turn.
5e: Grants effects of Potion of Heroism, but you smell like a rose garden doused in vinegar.
2. Broom of Slight Levitation
BECMI: Acts as Broom of Flying 1/day for 1 turn, then crashes (value 2,000 gp if sold).
5e: On a DC 15 check, functions as Broom of Flying for 1d6 minutes; otherwise, it just drags you along the floor.
3. Eau de Grave Dirt
BECMI: Unmarketable to normal folk, but worth 50 gp to vampires, necromancers, or weird perfume collectors.
5e: Grants advantage on Charisma (Persuasion) checks with undead for 24 hours.
4. Cauldron of Leftovers
BECMI: Heals 1d4 hp. Save vs. Poison or suffer stomach cramps (-2 attack for 1 turn). Value: nil, unless you know a goblin chef.
5e: Regains 1d4 hp. On DC 13 Con fail, poisoned for 1 hour.
5. Set of Silver Cutlery
BECMI: Worth 300 gp, though all the spoons are bent.
5e: Counts as 300 gp treasure. Knives count as silvered daggers.
6. The Coffin Key
BECMI: Brass key with bat design. Leads to another adventure. Zero gp value, infinite plot hooks.
5e: Same. Could fit any dungeon door, crypt, or “Insert Sequel Here” box.
7. Spellbook: “Love Hexes for Beginners”
BECMI: Functions as spellbook with Charm Person, Hold Person, Suggestion, Hallucinatory Terrain. Worth 700 gp.
5e: Same spells written with doodles. Counts as a wizard’s spellbook, 700 gp value.
8. Jarred Gelatinous Cube (Miniature)
BECMI: Worth 200 gp to alchemists. If jar breaks, a 1 HD Gelatinous Cube grows to full size in 1 turn.
5e: A pint-sized cube in a jar. Can be released as a CR 2 Gelatinous Cube. Value 200 gp.
9. Boots of Dramatic Entrances
BECMI: Once/day, caster appears in a puff of smoke with organ sting. Worth 250 gp to bards.
5e: As a bonus action, click heels to cast Fog Cloud centered on self (1/day). Value 250 gp.
10. Witch’s Wallet
BECMI: Contains 2d10 cp, 1d6 moths, and a coupon for “Free Coffin Cleaning.” 0 gp value.
5e: Same, plus a 5% chance the moths are actually Moth Swarm (use Bat Swarm stats).
11. Wand of Overly Affectionate Charms
BECMI: 1d6 charges. Casts Charm Person. Victims become clingy and write bad poetry about you. Worth 1,200 gp.
5e: Wand of Charm Person, 1d6 charges. Victims are uncomfortably needy. Value 1,200 gp.
12. Wig of Bewitching Glamour
BECMI: Gaudy wig. Grants +2 to Reaction Rolls when worn, but -2 when people realise it’s fake. Worth 50 gp.
5e: Advantage on Charisma (Deception) checks to impress nobles or tavern folk. Disadvantage if wig is removed mid-conversation. Value 50 gp.
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