(A Mind-Flayer Meet & Greet in Three Wobbly Acts)
You’re trundling through the damp corridors of a dungeon when you smell something odd. Not the usual Eau de Rotting Orc, something fancier, like posh calamari cooked by an overpaid wizard. And then you hear it:
“Now, where in the Nine Hells did I put my…? Oh botheration! Excuse me, adventurer, you haven’t seen a brain around here, have you? Quite round, squishy, tastes of smugness?”
Before you stands a Mind Flayer in a purple smoking jacket, monocle perched precariously on one tentacle, mumbling to itself. Its name tag says: HELLO, I’M ZORGLITH. PLEASE RETURN ANY LOST GREY MATTER.
Stats You’re Forced to Care About
(Because some of you pedants will riot otherwise)
BECMI:
Armour Class: 5
Hit Dice: 8+4
Attacks: 4 tentacles (1d4 each), brain extraction on hit
Special: Mind blast (cone), charm, magic resistance
5e (You Hipsters):
Armour Class: 15
HP: 71 (11d8+22)
Speed: 30 ft
Attacks: Tentacles +7 to hit (2d10 psychic), Extract Brain (save or eww), Mind Blast (60-ft cone, DC 15 Int save)
Special: Telepathy, Magic Resistance, Fashion Sense +10
SCENARIO ONE: “The Forgetful Flayer”
Zorglith is rifling through his own robes, muttering:
“I swear I had it right here between my pocket square and the emergency cravat…”
You approach. He turns, gives a little wave, and says:
“Oh hullo! You wouldn’t happen to have seen my breakfast, would you? About yay big, pulsating, possibly screaming?”
Choices:
Tell him no and keep walking.
Conclusion: He shrugs, says “Well, brains don’t grow on trees. Well, except in Carcosa,” and toddles off. You live. Congratulations, coward.
Offer him YOUR brain (or an NPC’s).
Conclusion: He perks up! “Oh, how terribly civilised of you!” He politely eats your skull like a scone. Roll new character.
Bluff that you saw it down the hall.
Conclusion: He totters away humming Rule Britannia. You gain time to loot his chamber, where you find a half-eaten MENSA membership card and a jar labelled Pickled Grey Matter (Best Before Yesterday).
SCENARIO TWO: “Tea with Tentacles”
He insists you join him for a cuppa. Yes, tea time in a dank dungeon.
“Do sit down, old bean! Milk? Sugar? Bits of frontal lobe?”
Choices:
Accept and drink.
Conclusion: It’s Earl Grey… and despair. You take 1d4 psychic damage from every sip because you’re pondering the futility of existence. If you finish the cup, you gain +1 Int for an hour but also permanent nightmares of being buttered on toast.
Refuse politely.
Conclusion: He looks hurt, sighs dramatically, and quotes Shakespeare wrong: “Alas, poor Yorick! I never ate him!” Leaves in a huff. You feel culturally enriched.
Spike his tea with holy water.
Conclusion: He takes a sip, chokes, and turns a lovely shade of OH DEAR I’M MELTING. Drops a +1 Monocle of Pretension.
SCENARIO THREE: “Tentacle Trouble”
You accidentally mention brains. His eyes widen.
“Brains, you say? Don’t mind if I do!”
Choices:
Run like the clappers.
Conclusion: He uses Mind Blast. If you save, you escape. If not, you wake up brainless and drooling in a cave being taught to sing show tunes for his amusement.
Fight him.
Conclusion:
BECMI: Hope you brought a cleric, sunshine.
5e: Prepare for a saving throw buffet. Reward: His diary, filled with embarrassing poetry about Cthulhu’s tentacles.
Offer a riddle.
Conclusion: He LOVES riddles. Gets so wrapped up in one that he forgets to eat you. You gain a new friend, or at least a pen pal who occasionally sends you recipes for sautéed cerebellum.
As you leave, you hear Zorglith muttering:
“Where did I put that confounded brain? Oh wait. Silly me, it’s in my other dimension…”
And then a wet plop as a spare brain falls out of his sleeve, rolls into a pit trap, and screams in Latin.
Loot Table: Zorglith’s Bits, Bobs & Brains
(Roll 1d8, because eight is just two brains doing the tango)
1. A Jar of Pickled Grey Matter
Description:
A lovely mason jar filled with what looks like last Tuesday’s MENSA meeting. Label reads: “Best Before Yesterday.”Effect:
OSR: Eating it gives you +1 Intelligence for 1 hour, then save vs Poison or spend the rest of the day reciting Vogon poetry.
5e: Advantage on Arcana checks for 24 hours… but you also smell like an open neurology lab.
2. +1 Monocle of Pretension
Description:
A shiny monocle enchanted to make you look like you’ve just come back from Eton and a duel with Oscar Wilde.Effect:
OSR: Grants +1 CHA… but only when delivering long-winded insults.
5e: Once per short rest, you can cast Vicious Mockery as if you were a bard. Must say “My dear fellow…” first or it fizzles.
3. Tea of Mild Existential Dread
Description:
A tin of loose leaf tea. Smells posh. When brewed, it tastes like despair with a hint of bergamot.Effect:
OSR: Heals 1d6 HP and forces a Morale check because life suddenly seems meaningless.
5e: Drinking it gives Inspiration, but you must sigh dramatically for at least 30 seconds.
4. Pocket Tentacle
Description:
A severed tentacle in a velvet pouch. Wiggles when you’re not looking. Occasionally hums God Save the Queen.Effect:
OSR: Can be used as a whip (1d4 damage). If it crits, opponent is mildly offended.
5e: Functions as Mage Hand… but slimier. Leaves stains on everything.
5. Riddle Book of Utterly Pointless Knowledge
Description:
A book filled with riddles so confusing they make Sphinxes cry. Example: “What walks on four legs in the morning, two at tea time, and seventeen when it’s payday?”Effect:
OSR & 5e: Reading it for an hour lets you cast Confusion once per day if you can understand your own handwriting after laughing hysterically.
6. The Spare Brain
Description:
A pulsating, somewhat judgmental brain in a jar. Occasionally mutters Latin insults.Effect:
OSR: Grants ESP (detect thoughts) once per day. If you fail your saving throw, it detects yours and sends them to Zorglith with snarky commentary.
5e: Advantage on Insight checks… but you constantly feel like someone’s reviewing your life choices.
7. Cravat of Subtle Mind Control
Description:
A perfectly folded silk cravat. When worn, you feel dead sophisticated, like a villain in a BBC drama.Effect:
OSR: Charm Person once per day, but you must deliver a witty monologue first.
5e: Charm Person (1/day). Target gains Advantage on the save if you don’t sound posh enough.
8. Emergency Brain Snack Pack
Description:
A small box marked “For Long Journeys and Sudden Cravings.” Contains tiny candied brains. Very moreish.Effect:
OSR: Restores 1 HP per sweet, but if you eat the whole lot, you develop a tentacle fetish.
5e: Restores 1d4 HP per sweet. Eating more than three makes you speak in telepathic emoji for an hour.
Optional Twist: Roll a d4. On a 1, the loot is cursed and will loudly complain in a posh accent whenever you try to sell it:
“Really, being pawned like common jewellery? I shall never forgive you, you provincial oik!”
Wandering Brain Hazard Table
(Roll 1d8 whenever you feel the dungeon needs more cerebral nonsense)
1. The Brain on Stilts
A normal human brain… except it’s perched on two long, spindly legs like some surrealist chicken. It tiptoes around muttering,
“Oh dear, oh dear… where did I put my frontal lobe?!”
Hazard: If startled, it leaps 10 ft in the air and lands on your head.
OSR: Save vs Paralysis or trip, taking 1d4 damage from wounded pride.
5e: DC 13 Dex save or fall prone, brain runs away giggling in Esperanto.
2. Psychic Puddle of Yesterday’s Thoughts
A shimmering puddle of liquid memory. Looks inviting. Smells like regret.
Hazard: Anyone who steps in must save or relive their most embarrassing childhood moment out loud.
OSR: Save vs Spells or lose 1 round sobbing about the time you called your teacher “Mum.”
5e: Wisdom save DC 14 or be Stunned for 1 round while everyone laughs.
3. The Angry Academic Brain
A floating brain in a mortarboard, clutching a tiny wand.
Hazard: Hurls trivia questions at you. Fail to answer and it zaps you with psychic lightning.
OSR: Each wrong answer deals 1d6 damage and -1 CHA (temporary) because you feel thick.
5e: DC 15 Int save or take 2d8 psychic damage and disadvantage on Persuasion until long rest.
4. Cerebellum Slug
A slug the size of a dachshund with a brain for a shell. Leaves behind trails of philosophy.
Hazard: If touched, it whispers Kantian ethics directly into your cortex. You may never recover.
OSR: Save vs Spells or lose your next action contemplating moral absolutes.
5e: DC 12 Wisdom save or become Incapacitated for 1 round thinking about trolley problems.
5. Singing Grey Matter Choir
A cluster of brains on tendrils, harmonising in a Gregorian chant.
Hazard: If you listen for more than 1 round, you become convinced you can hit that high note (spoiler: you can’t).
OSR: Save vs Spells or start singing uncontrollably, alerting every monster within 3 rooms.
5e: DC 14 Charisma save or suffer Compulsion for 1 minute to perform a solo aria.
6. The Brain in a Jar… on Wheels
A classic brain-in-a-jar contraption but mounted on squeaky caster wheels.
Hazard: Rolls around like a discount Dalek shouting,
“OBSERVE! OBSERVE!”
OSR: 10% chance per round of crashing into you for 1d4 damage.
5e: If it rams you, DC 13 Str save or be knocked prone. If captured, it’s worth 50 GP to an avant-garde sculptor.
7. Telepathic Brain Fog
A pink mist oozes through the corridor, giggling softly.
Hazard: Thoughts start leaking out of your ears. Everyone in the party hears each other’s most shameful secrets.
OSR: Save vs Spells or suffer -2 to Morale checks for 1 turn because Gerald admitted he wets the bedroll.
5e: DC 15 Wisdom save or be affected by Zone of Truth, but only for embarrassing facts.
8. The Overachiever Brain
A brain with spectacles and six tiny arms, grading papers with manic energy.
Hazard: If approached, it slaps a test on you:
“Please answer in essay form: Why do you deserve to live?”
OSR: Fail the pop quiz (INT check) and take 2d6 psychic damage from shame.
5e: Fail an INT save DC 16 and take 3d8 psychic damage and disadvantage on skill checks for 1 hour because you now have imposter syndrome.
Optional Madness Rule:
Roll a d6 every time you encounter one of these hazards. On a 6, the mind flayer himself rounds the corner in a panic yelling,
“Oh blast! You’ve found my revision notes! Come back here, you naughty cerebrums!”
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