WELCOME TO HOGWASH ACADEMY OF ARCANE APPRENTICESHIP

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WELCOME TO HOGWASH ACADEMY OF ARCANE APPRENTICESHIP
(Accredited by absolutely nobody, especially not the Wizards’ Guild)

So, you fancy yourself a mighty sorcerer, eh? Fireballs, lightning bolts, possibly levitating the cat for cheap laughs? Well, before you immolate half your village by accident, come train at Hogwash Academy, where our motto is:

“Magic is 90% talent, 10% robes, and 400% student debt.”

WHAT WE OFFER:

  • Beginner’s Pyromancy 101: Learn how to light a candle without incinerating your eyebrows. (Pass rate: 12%. Eyebrow survival rate: 3%.)

  • Hexes & Curses for Everyday Use: Because nothing says “romantic break-up” quite like a permanent rash of toads.

  • Defensive Spells: Shield yourself from goblins, debt collectors, and your mother asking when you’ll get a “real job.”

  • Summoning Demons Made Easy: Invite eldritch horrors into your flat for tea. Please note: demons not responsible for damage deposit.

  • Practical Alchemy: Transform base metals into gold. (Just kidding. It’s mostly exploding cauldrons and disappointing your dad.)

TUITION FEES:
A mere all the gold you’ve ever seen in your life plus your first-born familiar. (We prefer cats, but will accept ferrets, owls, or that thing you call “Mr Whiskerpants.”)


OUR FACULTY:

  • Professor Mumbles: He’s been dead for years, but we still wheel him out for lectures.

  • Madam Hexington: Failed her exams in ’72, still insists it was “the dice’s fault.”

  • Substitute Teacher: Usually a chair with a hat on it.

STUDENT TESTIMONIALS:

“Before Hogwash, I couldn’t control my magic. Now I can’t control my bladder either, but at least I look stylish in robes.” – Darren, Level 2

“I learned to cast Magic Missile! Too bad it hit me.” – Linda, Level 1 (deceased)

ENROL TODAY!
Spaces limited. Mostly because the last classroom collapsed into a portal.

Send application scrolls via raven, or simply scream “I’m desperate!” at the nearest moon.

FINE PRINT (READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL):
Hogwash Academy not responsible for spontaneous combustion, partial transfiguration, or eternal damnation. Side effects of attending may include baldness, glowing nostrils, chronic cackling, and summoning things that refuse to leave. Tuition fees non-refundable, even in case of death, dismemberment, or accidental promotion to lichdom. All duels fought on school grounds must be to the embarrassment, not to the death, unless otherwise agreed in writing. By enrolling, you legally agree to let the faculty raid your spellbook at least once a term and your fridge at least twice a week.


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