WHAT IF LEONARDO DICAPRIO STARRED IN THE NEXT D&D MOVIE?
By The Bloke in the Corner Who Rolled a Natural One on His Love Life
Picture it: the lights dim, the popcorn is stale, and the trailers have gone on so long you’ve forgotten your own name. Suddenly, the screen flashes with the words: “From the studio that brought you Cats (apologies)…” and there he is, Leonardo DiCaprio, dressed in leather armour, wielding a sword big enough to get its own postcode.
Yes, DiCaprio has finally done it. He’s starring in Dungeons & Dragons: Roll for Romance. The internet collapses under the weight of speculation. Will he play a brooding half-elf bard? A tortured rogue with a tragic backstory? Or simply “Leonardo DiCaprio, but with pointier ears”?
Scene One: The Tavern
The camera pans over tankards of ale, suspicious cloaked figures, and a bard in the corner singing a ballad about tax evasion. DiCaprio strides in. His party includes:
A dwarf who looks suspiciously like Jonah Hill in a fake beard.
A tiefling played by Margot Robbie because of course she is.
A sentient gelatinous cube voiced by Morgan Freeman, who spends the entire film narrating his own digestion process.
DiCaprio orders a pint. The barmaid flirts. His saving throw against commitment fails.
Scene Two: The Quest
The group is tasked with slaying the Evil Wizard Who Speaks Entirely in Shakespearean Insults. DiCaprio takes the lead, delivering stirring speeches about “friendship” and “destiny”, until he spots an NPC princess who is clearly under 25, at which point his character suddenly develops an urgent solo side quest.
Critical Fails
Naturally, the adventure goes sideways:
He rolls a 1 trying to climb a rope, spends ten minutes dangling upside down while maintaining smouldering eye contact with the camera.
The dragon they fight turns out to be an environmental activist, and the final battle is just DiCaprio giving a TED Talk about climate change.
The wizard’s cursed mirror forces him to relive all the times he lost the Oscar. (Don’t worry, he rage-quits and smashes it.)
Final Battle
The Evil Wizard summons an army of Oscar statuettes that attack DiCaprio with tiny golden fists. He fends them off while giving an emotional speech about “rolling the dice of life” and “never splitting the party unless she’s dating someone else.”
Post-Credit Scene
A mysterious figure emerges from the shadows… it’s Matt Damon, holding a Player’s Handbook and muttering, “You left me in Eberron, Leo. You never came back.”
Review Verdict:
Five out of five natural twenties for unintentional comedy, plus one bonus die for every awkward romantic subplot. Would watch again, preferably with ale and the Player’s Handbook to explain why Leonardo keeps trying to seduce the Dungeon Master.
LETTERS TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S AGENT
(Care of “Roll for Romance” Talent Negotiations, P.O. Box 20,000 Gold Pieces, Hollywoodshire)
Dear Mr. DiCaprioso’s Agent,
Please inform your client that during the tavern scene, my entire D&D group had to pause our game because we couldn’t tell if he was acting or just trying to chat up the barmaid between takes. Either way, she rolled a natural 20 on the “Politely Decline” check.
— Gary, Level 6 Tax Accountant, Sheffield
Dear Agent of the Pointy-Eared Heartthrob,
Elves are ageless, yes, but must all your client’s love interests be ageless and allergic to birthdays past their 25th? At least give him a subplot with someone who’s collected a few parking tickets.
— Fiona the Pedantic, Guild of Unwanted Fact-Checkers
Dear Keeper of the DiCaprio Brand,
During the dragon fight, Leo gave a climate change speech so stirring my popcorn burst into tears. Was this scripted, or does he just do that whenever a wind machine is on?
— Sir Spillyhands of Leeds
Dear Honourable Handler of Hollywood Royalty,
I purchased a ticket expecting a dungeon and a dragon. Instead, your client spent twenty minutes smouldering at a cursed mirror. I can smoulder at a mirror for free in my own bathroom.
— Clive, Disappointed Druid
Dear Esteemed Agent,
Please tell Leonardo that after watching the film twice, I am now calling my bus driver “my liege” and my cat “the Gelatinous Overlord.” I hope he’s proud of himself.
— Janet, Level 3 HR Manager, Cardiff
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