DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY #13

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DUNGEON MOBILE™

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Are your mates ghosting you, literally, because your network can’t handle interplanar messaging?

INTRODUCING: DUNGEON MOBILE™

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Haunted castles

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OTHER NETWORKS DROP CALLS.

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Even in a Bag of Holding.

Terms and conditions apply. Signal may be weaker in areas affected by Wild Magic Surges, anti-magic fields, or if you are currently dead. Resurrection fees not included. Unlimited data plan subject to monthly sacrifice.

Feature Story (because yes, it's a really real story)

BREAKING: HEROES OF THE BORDERLANDS STARTER SET ANNOUNCED!

And We’re Already Lost Somewhere Between a Bugbear’s Armpit and a Mountain of Overpriced Dice

Hold onto your starter-level underpants, folks, Dungeons & Dragons is back with yet another beginner box, and this time it’s called “Heroes of the Borderlands”! Yes, it’s a fresh new take on the classic Keep on the Borderlands… because what the world clearly needed was another starter set, complete with dice, cards, tokens, and the rising dread that your players will never read the rulebook.

Launching September 2025 (just like another not-so-well-known game) or whenever your local shop accidentally unboxes it early, this lavishly overstuffed set is supposed to teach new players and Dungeon Masters “the basics” of D&D’s shiny 2024 rules. It promises to gently usher you into high fantasy with clear instructions, lovely artwork, and about 14 metric tonnes of cardboard.

Let’s break down what you get for your hard-earned gold pieces:

WHAT’S IN THE BOX (AND WHY IS IT STARING AT ME)?

Inside the Heroes of the Borderlands box, you’ll find:

One Quick-Start Guide that insists it’s “quick” while being 45 pages long

Three adventure booklets, all pretending they're not railroads

Four classic classes: Cleric (heals badly), Rogue (steals poorly), Wizard (explodes self), and Fighter (hits things, occasionally)

200+ game cards for spells, monsters, and just enough rules to ruin friendships

18 maps, in case you ever wanted to wallpaper your toilet in tactical grid

200 tokens, including terrain, monsters, and five separate ones for “Regret”

A Combat Tracker to keep your DM from crying openly

A set of 11 dice (because 10 is for cowards)

Also included: despair, ambition, and at least three hours of your life spent peeling those bloody tokens out of the punchboard.

THE ADVENTURE: SAME CAVES, SLIGHTLY MORE CHAOS

Yes, it’s an update of 1979’s Keep on the Borderlands, but now it’s hip, modern, and (allegedly) inclusive of people who’ve never hurled a d20 across the room in frustration.

Wizards of the Coast insists that “some time has passed” in the setting. We assume that means the Keep now has a Costa Coffee and the goblins have started a podcast.

The adventure contains 40 to 60 hours of content, or roughly enough time to lose three players, gain one rules lawyer, and summon a minor existential crisis.

NEW FEATURES, NOW WITH EVEN MORE CONFUSION

In a bold attempt to not confuse new players immediately, Wizards has introduced:

Character-Building Tiles – Mix-and-match cards to create characters, or just make something so cursed your DM bans it on sight

Multi-DM Support – Because nothing says “streamlined experience” like a small council of Dungeon Overlords disagreeing on grappling rules

Instructional Videos – For those who prefer their confusion in HD with soothing narrator voices

HOW MUCH FOR THIS BORDERLINE BUNDLE?

Standard Box Set: $49.99 USD / £39.99 GBP – Includes everything but your sanity, which you’ll misplace somewhere between the rulebook and your rogue falling down a well.

Ultimate Bundle: $54.99 USD / £43.99 GBP – For those who want the physical box and the privilege of being digitally haunted by every poor decision their bard makes.

Digital Only: $14.99 USD / £11.99 GBP – For players who don’t need dice, friends, or eye contact. Just you, your screen, and a slow descent into PDF-induced madness.

And yes, the dice are custom-themed. Because nothing screams value like paying extra to roll a goblin’s face instead of a number.

EXPECTED TIE-INS (YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING)

You can bet your last copper piece that WizKids will unleash a flood of miniatures, most of which look vaguely like hamsters with halberds. Expect digital add-ons on D&D Beyond, where every new “free” thing comes with a strongly worded “Terms of Service” and three login screens.

Roll20 and Foundry VTT might also get versions, assuming someone there figures out what half these tokens even do.

THE ORIGINAL KEEP ON THE BORDERLANDS (AKA: BACK WHEN WE WALKED UPHILL BOTH WAYS)

Back in 1979, Gary Gygax unleashed The Keep on the Borderlands, a module designed to lure innocent folk into the life-long spiral of dice addiction. The original featured brave heroes, terrifying monsters, and absolutely no QR codes.

It’s been reprinted more times than your cousin’s failed bard character, and this new version promises to respect its roots, while also stuffing those roots full of laminated cards, video links, and rules for multi-DM parties that’ll last precisely one session before exploding in chaos.

PREVIOUS STARTER SETS (NOW STACKING NICELY IN YOUR GARAGE)

Let’s take a walk down memory lane, and trip over the endless starter sets from the last decade:

2014 Starter Set – You got Lost Mine of Phandelver and five pre-gen characters no one read

2019 Essentials Kit – Came with cards, dice, and an adventure involving dragons that mostly just sat on peaks looking smug

2022 Stormwreck Isle – Five characters, one island, and absolutely no stormwrecks in sight

This new box, of course, dwarfs them all, in size, weight, and likelihood of causing shelf collapse.

FINAL THOUGHTS (WHICH MAY BE CURSED)

Heroes of the Borderlands looks to be the most ambitious D&D starter set yet, which is a bit like saying your uncle’s meatloaf is “the most ambitious dinner” you’ve ever attempted to survive.

Will it revolutionise the game? Maybe. Will it confuse parents trying to bond with their children? Absolutely. Will your players end up ignoring all the maps and going straight into the Caves of Chaos wearing nothing but spite and a loincloth? Almost certainly.

Available September 16th, or slightly earlier if your local game shop can't read embargo dates.

Now if you'll excuse us, we’re off to build a multi-DM war council to run a one-shot about sentient goblin tax collectors.

ENCOUNTER OF THE WEEK: Maurice the Morose Lich

A Sad Lad with Skeleton Hands and Zero Motivation

You descend into a crypt that smells like regret, mothballs, and poorly aged ambition. At the far end sits a slumped skeletal figure on a once-impressive throne now doubling as a lounge chair. He stares at the floor like it's reciting all his failures back to him.

He sighs. Again. You didn’t even say anything yet.

“Dunces? Again? Why is it always dunces? Why not someone with a cheese platter and a genuine interest in my poetry?”

Meet Maurice the Morose, a centuries-dead Lich who has seen it all, hated most of it, and now just wants someone to ask how he's doing. (Spoiler: Not great.)

Maurice the Morose (Lich with a mid-eternity crisis)

5e Stats

AC: 18 (patchwork of magical wards and disappointment)

HP: 180 (but dropping with every passive-aggressive sigh)

Speed: 30 ft. (though he tends to shuffle)

ATTACK:

Guilt Ray (Ranged Spell Attack): +9 to hit, 4d8 psychic damage. Victim is also subjected to a five-minute emotional guilt trip.

Saving Throws: CON +12, INT +10, WIS +10

Damage Resistances: Cold, Lightning, Necrotic

Condition Immunities: Charmed, Exhaustion, Frightened, Parental Expectations

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

Aura of Depression: Any creature that starts its turn within 10 ft. must succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw or become existentially confused. On a fail, they skip their turn pondering their career choices.

Bone to Pick (1/day): Maurice delivers a long, emotionally charged monologue. All creatures within 60 ft. must make a DC 16 Charisma saving throw or gain Emotional Exhaustion (disadvantage on all Charisma-based checks for 1 hour).

Phylactery Misplacement: He keeps misplacing his phylactery. 50% chance it’s under his throne. 50% chance it’s inside a rubber duck.

Spellcasting: 9th-level spellcaster (Lich spell list). Will cast Finger of Death, then apologise.

OSR Stats (for BX/BECMI or compatible retroclones)

Armour Class (AC): 2

Hit Points: 60

Move: 120' (40')

Attack: 1 spell per round or psychic blast (2d8)

Save As: MU 18 (but he forgets to save half the time)

Morale: 4 (unless you compliment his cloak, then 7)

Alignment: Lawful-ish (if moping counts)

SPECIAL:

Aura of Ennui: Anyone within 10' must Save vs Spells or spend their round writing sad poetry.

Emotional Monologue: Once per day, forces all within earshot to make a Save vs Paralysis or stare into space for 1d4 rounds reflecting on every life decision.

Spell Use: Casts spells as a level 18 Magic-User. Will probably cast Cloudkill, then feel guilty and offer biscuits.

Phylactery? Look around. It’s probably on the shelf between Ancient Evil for Beginners and The Collected Poems of Sad Harold.

“You came for treasure, didn’t you? Everyone does. No one ever comes just to talk anymore. Go on then. Loot my stuff. Step over my sense of self-worth on your way out.”

Do you:

A) Hug him and risk skeletal puncture

B) Try to reason with him (DC 20 Persuasion or an inspirational dance)

C) Offer him a seat on your adventuring team (he’ll insist on being the team’s ‘brooding one’)

D) Ask about the poetry (prepare to hear "Ode to Dust: Volume IX" read in full)

End?

Who knows. Maybe Maurice joins you. Maybe he curses you with sadness. Maybe he just stays behind to write his memoir "The Tomb Diaries: Volume Eternity." Either way, you've met the most depressed Lich this side of the Forgotten Realms.

Good luck. And bring tissues.

A Better Class Department 

The Fighter Subclass No One Asked For… BUT GOT ANYWAY: THE BRAWLING LOUT

“Why use a sword when you’ve got two fists, a bad attitude, and absolutely no self-preservation instincts?”

You’re not a knight. You’re not a samurai. You’re a barfight waiting to happen, a swinging meat tank in dented boots. The Brawling Lout gets the job done with headbutts, broken chairs, and bold accusations of cheating. This subclass is perfect for players who think combat is a pub quiz with more bruises and fewer rules.

5E BRAWLING LOUT (Fighter Subclass)

Level 3: BRAWLER’S INSTINCT

When unarmed or using improvised weapons (broken bottle, leg of ham, your cousin Gary), you deal 1d6 + Strength bludgeoning damage. Improvised weapons gain the finesse and thrown (20/60) properties because you’re just that unpredictable. Yes, even with a goat.

**Also, if you drink a pint (or equivalent) during combat, you gain temporary HP = your Fighter level. Must be shouted mid-swig: “FOR THE GLORY OF WHATEVER!”

Level 7: DIRTIER THAN THOU

Once per turn when you hit with a melee attack, you may choose to:

Trip the target (Dex save vs 8 + STR mod + proficiency)

Gouge their eyes (disadvantage on next attack)

Insult their mother (they have disadvantage on attacks against you until their next turn, provided they understand your language or tone)

Note: Using all three in one barfight may start a new campaign arc.

Level 10: PUB WRECKER

You can now use tables, chairs, candelabras, and passed-out adventurers as weapons with reach.

You can dual-wield improvised weapons.

You gain advantage on Athletics checks made to grapple, suplex, or throw someone out a window.

Level 15: HUMAN BLENDER

When surrounded by 3 or more creatures, you gain +2 AC and can make one unarmed strike as a bonus action on your turn.

Also, you now have resistance to bludgeoning damage, because years of falling down stairs have hardened you.

Level 18: LEGENDARY DRUNKEN LOUT

Once per long rest, you may activate Rage of the Round Table as a bonus action. For one minute:

Your unarmed and improvised attacks deal 2d8 damage

Enemies who miss you in melee must make a Dex save (DC 16) or fall prone from slipping on spilt ale

You have advantage on saving throws against charm, fear, and guilt

You auto-succeed on Strength (Athletics) checks to climb onto tavern bars and yell inspirational rubbish

OSR BRAWLING LOUT (Fighter Subclass / Template)

Use this with B/X, BECMI, or your favourite old-school clone:

Brawling Lout replaces your Weapon Mastery with Improvised Mastery.

You do 1d6 damage with any object, regardless of what it was designed for (except cats. That’s just mean).

You can grapple at +2 to hit, and deal 1d4 damage per round while doing it.

“I’ve got ‘em in a headlock! My forearms are the real weapons!”

Once per session, you may chug a drink to regain 1d6 HP, but must shout something belligerent.

DM’s discretion if it becomes plot-relevant.

At Level 5, you can throw a chair into a group of enemies. Roll to hit, deal 1d6 damage to 1d4 foes, and immediately start a tavern-wide brawl.

At Level 9+, you may found a fighting pit, where local ne'er-do-wells gather to be walloped. This attracts followers like:

A goat named Brenda

An apprentice named Punchy

And a bard who only sings sea shanties in reverse

Final Notes:

The Brawling Lout is not a refined warrior. It is a walking health violation with opinions about taxes. You won’t win every duel, but you’ll absolutely leave a lasting impression, usually involving bruises and bad smells.

Monster Mashup

GOBLIVERN™

“It bites. It stings. It complains about union breaks.”

 

THE ORIGIN STORY (Whether You Like It or Not)

Once upon a cursed Tuesday, a goblin shaman decided to impress his boss (and/or lizard girlfriend) by magically bonding with a wyvern egg. The spell worked. Sort of. The wyvern hatched, spotted the goblin, and ate him halfway. The spell finished anyway.

Now it’s a goblin. Now it’s a wyvern. Now it's your problem.

GOBLIVERN STATS (5e)

Type: Monstrosity

Size: Medium (but somehow takes up more emotional space than that)

AC: 15 (cobbled armour made from bones, regrets, and tin pots)

HP: 88 (13d8 + 26)

Speed: 30 ft., Fly 60 ft. (very proud of this)

ATTACKS:

Bite: +6 to hit, 1d10+4 piercing, plus a bit of spite

Stinger Tail (Recharge 5–6): +6 to hit, 2d6+4 piercing, DC 14 Con save or take 4d6 poison. Target must also roll to avoid saying “That’s not fair.”

SPECIAL:

Goblin Cunning: Advantage on saving throws vs. spells and illusions, mostly because it refuses to understand magic.

Trash Dive: As a bonus action, the Goblivern can rummage through anything and pull out a random item. DM’s choice. Often broken. Sometimes on fire.

Shriek Dive: Once per combat, the Goblivern shrieks mid-flight, forcing all creatures within 10 ft. to make a DC 13 Wisdom save or drop what they're holding out of sheer embarrassment.

OSR STATS

HD: 8

AC: 4 

Move: 90’ (30’) Fly 120’ (40’)

Attacks: 1 Bite (1d10), 1 Stinger (2d6 + poison)

Save As: Fighter 6

Morale: 9 (rises to 11 if it hears the word “snack”)

No. Appearing: 1 (thankfully)

Treasure Type: C (Mostly bits it didn’t eat. Yet.)

Special:

Poison Sting: Save vs. Poison or take 4d6 damage and regret your life choices.

Dive Screech: Once per day, causes enemies within 10’ to Save vs. Spells or be stunned for 1 round.

Loot Goblinery: 25% chance it has eaten something valuable. You’ll have to... retrieve it manually.

PERSONALITY

Thinks it’s majestic. It is not.

Constantly monologues mid-fight like a villain in a children’s cartoon.

Sings badly while flying. Mostly made-up war chants and love songs to itself.

Only respects creatures that can carry it and cook.

LOOT (Roll d6)

The Goblin’s Favourite Tooth (Not Its Own): Grants +1 intimidation when waved at people.

Wyvern Scale Helmet: AC +1, smells like fried ham.

Crude Map to a Treasure That Might Be Itself: Leads to its own nest, full of bones, coins, and expired coupons.

Potion of Partial Flight: Grants 1d4 rounds of flight. Then plummet.

Sack of Goblin Haikus: All terrible. One is oddly profound.

Nothing. It exploded. Sorry.

HOW TO USE THE GOBLIVERN:

As a confused miniboss in a forest canyon with an ego and altitude advantage.

As a failed familiar guarding something stupidly important.

As a recurring nuisance who survives just enough to swear revenge (in rhyme, with props).

Final Note:

The Goblivern is not officially recognised by any monster manual, spellbook, or sentient cheese wheel. Which makes it perfect for your game.

How will your players handle a venomous, airborne goblin with delusions of dragonhood?

More importantly:

What happens when it finds love?

Table of Terrible Tables 

RANDOM MAGIC-USER FAMILIARS (d20)

For wizards, warlocks, sorcerers, and anyone who’s ever tried to teach a newt algebra.

Roll a d20 to discover which bizarre magical hanger-on now shares your soul, your rations, and your sleeping bag.

1. A rat in a waistcoat who insists he’s the true heir to the Goblin Throne. Carries a tiny sceptre. Squeaks judgmentally.

 2. A toad that belches glitter and unsolicited life advice. Currently writing a memoir.

 3. A moth with runes on its wings. Glows in the dark. Frequently flies into fire anyway.

 4. A floating eyeball that critiques your spell technique in a voice like your mum’s.

 5. A pigeon ghost who haunts bread. Never shuts up about “the Great Crumb War.”

 6. A crab that tap dances when you're casting spells. Thinks it's subtle. It isn’t.

 7. A ferret with a minor demon inside. Plays the lute. Badly.

 8. A sentient teacup that screams when filled with non-magical liquids. Especially milk.

 9. A tiny gelatinous cube that hums nursery rhymes and smells like soap.

 10. A talking skull with a posh accent and absolutely no morals.

 11. A bat who insists it's a vampire. Demands a tiny coffin to sleep in.

 12. A caterpillar that gives cryptic advice and chews through your spellbook.

 13. A broom that sweeps aggressively during stealth missions.

 14. A cloud of sparkles that smells like lavender and unspoken resentment.

 15. A hedgehog who reads omens in its own quills. Always wrong. Very confident.

 16. A miniature dragon that breathes sarcasm instead of fire. Leaves scorch marks anyway.

 17. A chicken with glowing eyes and ominous clucks. May be a minor god.

 18. A fish that floats in mid-air and sings sea shanties when you're trying to sleep.

 19. A sock puppet that claims it’s a reincarnated archmage. Allergic to dust.

 20. A rock with googly eyes glued on. Doesn’t do anything. Stares into your soul.

NOW REDEEMING SOULS (TERMS & CONDITIONS APPLY)

FROM THE MAKERS OF FLIM-FLAMMERY & HOLY BALONEY™... COMES:

THE FALSE PROPHET OF DUNGEONSVILLE™

“I speak for the gods! They just don’t return my calls.”

Are you a lost soul in a dungeon of despair? Low on hit points and self-esteem? Do your dice rolls mock you like the laughter of the damned?

Fear not, ye pitiful level 1s! For a very modest donation (read: all your gold and your mate’s magic sword), the False Prophet of Dungeonsville™ offers you…

SOUL-SECURING SERVICES!

Includes:

Loud public declarations of your holiness

A hastily drawn symbol on your forehead in chalk

One (1) free pamphlet, which is mostly spelling errors

EXCLUSIVE BLESSINGS

The Blessing of Slight Warmth – Keeps your fingers somewhat toasty in subarctic necromancer lairs.

The Holy Flatulence – Drives away goblins. Also friends.

The Miracle of Misremembering – Grants the Prophet immunity to previous promises.

JOIN THE CONGREGATION!

Worship sessions held in abandoned barns, broken taverns, and anywhere with good acoustics for dramatic echoing.

Bonus points if the location already smells of brimstone and unpaid rent!

WARRANTY VOID IF EXORCISED

Side effects may include:

spontaneous doubt, divine smiting, itchy robes, loss of spell slots, talking snakes, unpaid tithes, spontaneous combustion, and the complete unraveling of your moral compass.

ACT NOW and receive a totally authentic Holy Relic:

A +0 Spoon of Destiny, carved from genuine driftwood and questionable intentions!

THE FALSE PROPHET OF DUNGEONSVILLE™

“Give me your trust, your gold, and five uninterrupted minutes to monologue, and I’ll give you vague spiritual comfort and maybe a glowing hand.”

(Not recognised by any known pantheon. Or reality.)

COMING NEXT WEEK IN DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY: The only magazine brave enough to fail its own saving throw.

I CAST MAGIC MISSILE AT MY SISTER

Sibling PvP gone horribly magical.

IS YOUR CHAIR PLOTTING AGAINST YOU?

A gripping exposé with four legged suspects.

BARD DROPS ALBUM, PARTY DROPS BARD

Includes smash-hit “Can’t Stop the Scrollin’.”

QUIZ: IS YOUR DM A LICH?

Question 3: Do they smell faintly of tomb?

FREE POSTER:

“EVERYTHING’S A MIMIC”

 Including this poster.

COMING 5th SEPTEMBER FROM RED CAPE GAMES!

Because your children weren’t confused enough already.

DUNGEON DUNCE is the tabletop tomfoolery your family never asked for, but you’re getting anyway. It’s a family-friendly TTRPG misadventure for parents daring (or daft) enough to lure their kids into the cardboard jungle of dice and despair.

Designed for players who peak at Level 9, because anything higher cuts into nap time, Dungeon Dunce brings classic dungeon nonsense crashing into bedtime routines, school-night sugar crashes, and arguments about who gets to play the talking teapot.

Whether your kid becomes a Slayer with a kazoo or a Mage powered by biscuits, Dungeon Dunce is the chaotic bedtime storybook you never meant to open.

And yes, the first adventure is included. And yes, it's already going horribly wrong.

DISCLAIMER:

Red Cape Games accepts no liability for the moment your darling offspring turns into a tactical genius and begins quoting the rulebook at you like a tiny legal barrister in dragon-print pyjamas.

We are not responsible for:

Children outsmarting their parents.

Parents rage-quitting after losing a duel to a sock puppet dragon.

Emotional damage caused by being out-roleplayed by a six-year-old holding a juice box.

Play at your own risk. Lose at your own peril. And if it all goes horribly wrong?

Don’t blame us, mate. We warned you. Right here. In small, sarcastic print.