DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY #8

on





Letters to the Editor

“Because Intelligence is a Dump Stat.”



With Reverend Dungeon Master
High priest of half-baked campaigns, minister of misrule, and canonised by three pantheons and one goblin cult (by clerical error).



Dear Reverend Dungeon Master,
Last session, our DM turned my +3 sword into a spoon because I “wasn’t using it creatively.” I appealed, but the party voted to keep the spoon since it was “more thematic.”

Is this legal? Is this ethical? Can I still Sneak Attack with a spoon?

– Suzy, London

RDM:
Legal? Only if your campaign's set in Cutlery Coast.
Ethical? About as ethical as a gelatinous cube at a salad bar.
But yes, you can Sneak Attack with a spoon, but only if you yell “Dessert’s served!” before rolling. Adds 1d4 flavour damage.


Dear Reverend,
I rolled a natural 20 to seduce a dragon. Now the DM says we’re engaged. There’s a ceremony scheduled during downtime.

Should I be worried? Or flattered?

– Jason, Cardiff

RDM:
Worried. Definitely worried. Dragons don’t do monogamy, and their in-laws are literal monsters. Pack a Prenup of Fire Resistance and keep a teleport scroll handy. Love is a battlefield. This one breathes fire.


Your Holiness,
Our cleric refuses to heal me unless I apologise for calling his god “a sparkling sky pigeon.” I think that’s religious blackmail.

What’s the rule on divine pettiness?

– Craig, Manchester

RDM:
Rule one: don’t mock the hand that heals you. Rule two: if you must insult a deity, do it outside healing range. Offer the apology. It’s cheaper than resurrection.


Reverend Dungeon Master,
How many owlbears is too many owlbears for one random encounter?

– Beth, Sheffield

RDM:
One is majestic.
Two is cinematic.
Three is a bold narrative choice.
Four or more? You’ve crossed into religious symbolism. Prepare for group trauma and very dramatic dice rolls.


Dear Reverend,
I wrote a 173-page backstory for my Level 1 bard, including four traumatic childhoods and an opera. The DM won’t read it. Is that grounds for PvP?

– Alice, Glasgow

RDM:
Only if the opera is actually performed at the table. Otherwise, condense it into a tragic limerick and store the rest in a cursed amulet. Nobody reads lore scrolls that long unless there’s treasure at the end.


Want to write in?
Send your campaign confessions, magical moans, and dice-based despair to: 

rcgdungeondunce@gmail.com

Or shout them into a Bag of Holding and hope for the best.

Dungeon Dunce Weekly: Making bad decisions sound like good storytelling since Issue #1.



WHAT IN THE NAME OF GARY GYGAX IS “LET IT ROLL”?! 

Glad you asked, imaginary voice in our head! Let it Roll is the fantasy roleplaying game for folks who’d rather dive into dragons than drown in rulebooks. It’s quick to set up, easy to learn, and daft amounts of fun, even for your mate who still thinks an orc is just a badly drawn Shrek.

All you need is:
A bit of paper
A pencil (sharpened, preferably)
One sad, lonely six-sided die
Imagination (yes, yours will do, even on a Monday)

No rule bibles. No number-crunching. No arcane charts that require a maths degree and a pact with Cthulhu. Just roll it, shout something heroic, and hope the goblin explodes.

Grab Let it Roll at:

https://cyrusrite.itch.io/let-it-roll 




And don’t forget the add-ons, because even minimalist chaos deserves a few extra bells, whistles, and questionable magic items.

#RollResponsibly #TTRPG #MadAboutDice



NEED A SOLICITOR? GOT A GRIEVANCE? BEEN UNFAIRLY POLYMORPHED INTO A TOASTER?



Call DUNGEON LITIGATIONS LLP
“We Sue For You, Even When It’s Stupid.”

Have you:

  • Been denied loot because the paladin “called dibs”?

  • Taken psychic damage from a bard’s backstory longer than the actual campaign?

  • Lost your ancestral +3 dagger because the DM said “it slipped into the lava”?

  • Rolled a natural 20 and still got rejected by a tavern wench?

DON’T STAND THERE IN CHAINS, STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!

At Dungeon Litigations LLP, we specialise in:

  • Rules Lawyering – fluent in the Player’s Handbook, Tasha’s Cauldron, and passive-aggressive sighing.

  • Magical Malpractice – if your wizard cast Fireball indoors, we’ll bring the heat.

  • Cursed Item Claims – ring of invisibility that only hides your elbows? We’ll get you compensation.

  • Monster Relationship Disputes – engaged to a dragon? We’ll fight for custody of the hoard.

Our Clients Say:

“I lost my sword, my dignity, and 40 hit points. Now I’ve got 200 gold and a court order against the necromancer.”
– Boris, Level 3 Barbarian, Liverpool

“They turned my warlock pact into a rental agreement. I now own 30% of a soul.”
– Fiona, Warlock, Brighton

Call today: 0800-SUE-4-LOOT
Or send a raven to: DungeonLitigations@NotARealKingdom.gov

Dungeon Litigations LLP, Because even in a fantasy realm, someone’s gotta pay.

Legal results not guaranteed. May incur vengeance quests, counter-suing dragons, or duels at dawn. Extra fee for hex-proof contracts.



DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY PRESENTS: "HOW TO CONVERT DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 2014 TO 2025 (AND WHY YOU’LL PROBABLY REGRET IT)"
with bonus rules for converting every edition ever, including the one your cousin made up in 1987



So you’ve decided to convert your 2014 D&D campaign to 2025.
Congratulations! You're brave, foolish, and possibly cursed by a vengeful rules lawyer. Whether you're knee-deep in lore or waist-deep in houserules, here's your official unofficial, unhelpful guide to dragging your game kicking and screaming into the “new hotness.”


STEP 1: BURN YOUR OLD BOOKS (OR DON’T, YOU SENTIMENTAL NERD)

2014 D&D is now the vintage wine of the TTRPG world: dusty, overhyped, and best enjoyed by people who insist “Critical Role was better in Campaign Two.”
Instead of binning your 2014 Player’s Handbook, repurpose it:

  • Use it as a dice tray

  • Press flowers in it

  • Read it aloud to frighten 2025 players who don’t know what a “Rogue subclass” is anymore

STEP 2: UNDERSTAND WHAT'S CHANGED (SPOILER: EVERYTHING AND NOTHING)

Here’s what 2025 changes:

  • Backgrounds now come with “Starting Stances,” “Sub-Personalities,” and possibly a Spotify playlist

  • Races are now “Lineages” or “Kindred” or “Flavourful Genetic Story Puzzles”

  • Classes have been “refined,” which is code for “your Barbarian now cries as a bonus action”

  • Spells have tags, like Pokémon. Want to cast Hold Person? Too bad. It’s now a “Focus-Ritual-Emotion-Chaos” tag combo and requires three friends and a brisk jog

To convert your 2014 character:

  1. Roll a d20

  2. Cry

  3. Roll again

STEP 3: BONUS CONVERSION GUIDE – HOW TO CONVERT EVERY EDITION TO 2025

BECMI (1983):

  • Replace your entire character sheet with a sad emoji and a list of trauma

  • Every dungeon now includes OSHA regulations

  • The “Race as Class” rule is replaced with “Class as Vague Lifestyle Choice”

  • Your Elf is now a Tiefling Bard-Barista

AD&D 2e:

  • Remove THAC0. Die a little inside. Apologise.

  • Replace 20 pages of non-weapon proficiencies with a single feat called Vibe Check

  • Anyone with a beard gets a bonus die, just for surviving

3.5e / Pathfinder:

  • Tell your GM you’re converting from 3.5e

  • Wait patiently while they explode

  • Enjoy 4 hours of “discussion” about combat geometry before anyone rolls initiative

4e:

  • Congrats! You’re already playing a completely different game

  • Replace all powers with a deck of Uno cards and scream “Bloodied!” whenever you feel emotionally unstable

  • Keep the minis, but now they cry when moved

Homebrew Cousin Version (1987):

  • You can keep it, we guess

  • Just remember: in 2025, rolling 18/00 Strength causes emotional damage

FINAL TIPS:

  • Keep your old dice. New edition dice cost extra and include four unnecessary d12s

  • When in doubt, say “it’s for story reasons” and pretend it’s a feature, not a bug

  • If your players complain, cast Silence (2025 version). It only requires a mood ring and six feet of interpretive dance

IN CONCLUSION:
Converting to 2025 is easy! Just relearn the rules, rewrite your campaign, and explain to your players that no, they can’t have 47 hit points at level 1 anymore.

Dungeon Dunce Weekly: Making your hobby harder since Issue #1.

Next Issue: “Which D&D Edition Are You Based on Your Favourite Monster and Deeply Repressed Trauma?”



NEW! Alpengard: The Stark-Fantasy TTRPG That Takes Itself More Seriously Than Your Uncle’s Tax Audit




Step aside, d20s, this game rolls with a d30, because 29 sides just weren’t dramatic enough.

In Alpengard, you’ll:

  • Build valiant heroes with tragic backstories and even more tragic fashion choices

  • Channel pneuma, a mystical power source that’s definitely not rebranded mana

  • Soul-bond with magical items, which is like marriage, but with fewer arguments and more explosions

  • Cook your way to glory, yes, even Kraken-kabobs (bring breath mints)

  • Wrestle with morality, theology, and the fact that you still can’t pronounce “Stonemeres”

  • Explore haunted wilds, lost ruins, and the deepest philosophical angst your party can fake at Level 3





It’s gritty, it’s epic, it’s got more rules than your nan’s bridge club.
Try it now, and roll high, or roll home crying.








DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY EXCLUSIVE

"What If Predator and Alien Were D&D Characters?"
by T. Glibwobble, Former Space Paladin & Current Couch Wizard



You’ve seen them on screen. You’ve seen them in sequels. You’ve seen them in increasingly disappointing crossovers.

But now?
You’ll see them at your D&D table, hogging the initiative order and emotionally scarring the bard.


THE PREDATOR

aka “Sir Stabby of Clan Skullpolish”

Race: Yautja (homebrew monstrosity)
Class: Ranger (Gloom Stalker), Level 10
Alignment: Lawful Complicated
AC: 18 (armour of intergalactic smugness)
HP: 120 (riddled with emotional damage, but physically fine)

ATTACKS:

Wrist Blades – Melee Weapon Attack

  • To Hit: +8

  • Reach: 8 ft.

  • Hit: 2d8 + 4 slashing damage

  • On a crit: He carves your initials in your own spleen

Plasma Caster – Ranged Weapon Attack

  • To Hit: +9

  • Range: 120 ft.

  • Hit: 4d6 radiant damage

  • Recharges after 3 uses (or after someone makes a plot-relevant speech)

  • Bonus: Ignores cover, dignity, and most apologies

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

Cloaking Device

  • Bonus Action: Predator becomes invisible until he attacks, is hit, or someone says “he’s right behind us, isn’t he?”

Trophy Sense

  • Advantage on Wisdom (Survival) checks to track anyone who’s ever bragged at a pub

  • Can sniff out someone’s challenge rating like a truffle pig

Honourable Dueler (Even When It’s Inconvenient)

  • Will drop ranged weapons if someone flexes dramatically and shouts “Come on, then!”

  • Must always accept one-v-one challenges, even from sheep

THE ALIEN

aka “Count Acidmouth, the Ooze Enthusiast”

Race: Xenoform (absolutely not sanctioned)
Class: Monk (Way of the Way-Too-Close Quarters), Level 10
Alignment: Chaotic Creepy
AC: 17 (exoskeleton of passive aggression)
HP: 110 (regenerates emotionally, not physically)

ATTACKS:

Inner Jaw Jab – Melee Weapon Attack

  • To Hit: +7

  • Hit: 1d10 + 4 piercing damage

  • Target must make a DC 15 Constitution ability check or become staggered by how rude that was

Claw Flurry – Monk Bonus Action Attack

  • Two strikes, each

    • To Hit: +7

    • Hit: 1d6 + 4 slashing damage

    • On a natural 1: Claws get caught in bard's lute strings. Romantic tension increases.

Tail Whip of Inconvenience – Melee Weapon Attack

  • To Hit: +6

  • Reach: 10 ft.

  • Hit: 2d6 + 3 bludgeoning damage

  • Also knocks the victim's hat off. Always.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

Acid Blood

  • When struck with melee, attacker must make a DC 14 Dexterity ability check or suffer 2d6 acid damage

  • On a failed save, also ruins their boots. And their day.

Facehugger Deployment

  • Once per long rest: Launch a facehugger at a humanoid within 30 ft.

  • Target must succeed on a DC 16 Strength check to avoid being grappled

  • If grappled for 2 turns: Congratulations, you’re a host now. Baby shower pending.

Ceiling Lurker

  • Can cling to ceilings, walls, and plot relevance

  • Stealth checks in darkness are rolled with advantage and mild horror

TOGETHER: The Worst Party Guests

Campaign: “Waterdeep: Dangerously Moist”
Plot: Predator hunts dangerous prey. Alien just wants to snuggle. Nobody's happy, least of all the tavern cleaner.


RANDOM PARTY DYNAMICS

  • The bard is now pregnant. With questions.

  • The fighter respects Predator’s vibe, but wants his helmet. This will end poorly.

  • The druid shapeshifted into an egg. That escalated fast.

  • The rogue tried to loot Alien’s corpse. There was no corpse. There was, however, another Alien.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Predator: Brings strong “Dad with a kill count” energy. Ideal for groups who enjoy honour duels, custom armour, and meaningful eye contact before decapitation.

Alien: Less team player, more nightmare-fuel nursery. Recommended for DMs who think a TPK should come with slime trails.


BONUS TIPS:

  • Don’t split the party.

  • Don’t say “what’s that noise?”

  • And never, ever, let the bard flirt with the Alien. Again.

DUNGEON DUNCE WEEKLY
For when you want your D&D weird, wild, and one failed save away from laying eggs in the barbarian.





MEET THE EDITOR: REVEREND DUNGEON MASTER
(Yes, He's Ordained. Yes, He Owns 47 Dice Sets. Yes, He's Judging You.)



Editor-in-chief of Dungeon Dunce Weekly, Reverend Dungeon Master is the only man alive legally qualified to marry a couple, bury a goblin, and excommunicate a rules lawyer, all in the same ceremony.

Ordained by the National Association of Christian Ministers (and one forgotten “mystery religion”, which he denies any association with), he believes every campaign deserves salvation, and every paladin needs pastoral care after rolling a natural 1 in public.

He delivers sermons from behind a DM screen, refers to holy texts and Player’s Handbooks interchangeably, and once tried to baptise a mimic. (It did not go well. We don’t talk about the stains.)

His editorial style? Chaotic Righteous.
His robes? Velvet, with embroidered initiative bonuses.
His motto? “Thou shalt not metagame.”

Blessed be his dice rolls, and may all his tea stay warm.
Unless it’s cursed, in which case, welcome to the feature article.

Would you like to complain about this, or any issue, of DDW? Are you dunce enough to want to become a contributor to our fine rag of duncery and duncecraft? Do you happen to be Elon Musk? You may contact the Good Right Reverend via owl courier, telepathic sending spell, or, if you're tragically Muggle, plain old email at:

(Please allow 1–3 business days for replies, or 7–10 if he's trapped in a gelatinous cube. Again.)






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