NEW! Sir Scrubbington’s Arcane Ooze-Wash™
For adventurers who smell like a troll’s jockstrap and fight like they’ve never bathed!
Covered in dungeon gunk? Smelling worse than a goblin barbecue? Is your bard socially distancing you?
Try Sir Scrubbington’s Arcane Ooze-Wash™, the only soap blessed by a cleric, bottled by a wizard, and accidentally summoned by a warlock!
Now featuring:
+2 to Charisma (or at least people will stop gagging near you)
Dissolves blood, slime, curses, AND that thing the ooze left behind
Fragranced with lavender, ozone, and poor decisions
Comes with free Beholder Eye Stalk Scrubbies™ for hard-to-reach nooks and cursed crannies
Bold enough to face a dracolich? Then you’re brave enough to scrub one! Guaranteed to reduce undead funk by 87% (according to very nervous lab clerics).
Sir Scrubbington’s Arcane Ooze-Wash™ Because even a lich deserves to smell fresh once every few centuries.
Now in travel size! Fits neatly between your rations and your regrets.
Now in Glorious Neck-Snapping VR! DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: BATTLEMARKED Because Rolling Dice is for Cowards
Welcome to the future of tabletop roleplaying, where you can finally get motion sickness and killed by goblins, all in one convenient overpriced headset!
Straight from the digital dungeons of Sweden’s Resolution Games (those lovely folks who made Demeo and accidentally trapped several grandmas in VR basements), comes Demeo x Dungeons & Dragons: Battlemarked, the first official D&D virtual reality experience that lets you scream, flail, and trip over your cat in immersive 3D!
What is Battlemarked?
It’s like a D&D campaign…
…but without a Dungeon Master, snacks, or that one guy who won’t stop quoting Monty Python. Don't mock him. We love that guy.
Instead, you and three mates pretend to be mighty adventurers as you:
Take turns like it’s a polite brawl,
Strategise out loud while looking like confused Power Rangers,
Battle monsters in Neverwinter using only your brains and extremely sweaty headsets.
Yes, it’s co-op. Yes, it’s cross-platform. Yes, the wizard will still fall in the river.
Gameplay Features:
Two full campaigns at launch! (Disclaimer: “full” may vary by region, headset, and your tolerance for motion blur)
Future DLCs will include new realms, new enemies, and new reasons to scream at your bard.
Built with the Demeo Action Roleplaying System, which sounds fancier than “turn-based tactics with sore knees.”
Wait, wasn’t there another VR D&D thing?
Sort of! Dungeon Full Dive let you pretend to sit around a virtual table and argue over spell slots. This one lets you be the dice-chucker, the dungeon-delver, and the rogue who still forgets Sneak Attack.
And unlike Project Sigital (rest in pixels), Battlemarked is still alive and mostly bug-free!
What Else is Coming?
If you’re still breathing after this, brace yourself for:
A D&D survival sim from the people who made Disney games. Expect charming death.
Project Baxter: no one knows what it is, but it sounds like a codename for a talking dog.
Baldur’s Gate 4 (probably). Larian said “no,” but Hasbro said “money.”
At least three more “Untitled” games, because titles are for closers.
Final Thoughts (Before We Log Off and Cry)
Battlemarked may just be the D&D experience your nan warned you about; exciting, immersive, and full of ways to embarrass yourself in front of strangers on the internet.
Want to be a hero? Put on the headset. Want to look like a heroic fool spinning in your living room in socks? Also yes.
Wishlist now on Steam, PS5, and Meta Quest, because nothing says “epic fantasy” like punching a virtual skeleton and knocking over your lamp.
This article brought to you by Sir Scrubbington’s Arcane Ooze-Wash™: now strong enough to clean a dracolich’s underarms. Because even the undead deserve freshness.
HELP WANTED: APPLY NOW BEFORE A GELATINOUS CUBE EATS THE POSITION
Wizards of the Coast Seeking Brave (Possibly Mad) Game Designers
Warning: job may involve dragons, existential rule debates, and unpaid kobold therapy.
Position 1: Head of Game Ecosystem
Can you herd rulebooks like cats on fire? Do you dream in flowcharts and errata? Join the party as the mastermind behind all things D&D, physical, digital, and probably metaphysical. Must ensure the sacred balance of the multiverse and stop Gary from inventing “Fireball 2.” Requires 10+ years of RPG design experience and the patience of a saint or lich.
Position 2: Principal Game Designer
Tired of watching other people ruin campaigns? Take the reins! You’ll lead product launches from spooky modules to dice-powered dating sims (probably). Collaborate with creatives, editors, gremlins, and the guy in the cloak who keeps suggesting more owlbear subclasses. 8+ years of industry experience required, bonus points if you’ve ever survived playtesting with goblins.
Perks Include:
– Access to secret dungeon bathrooms
– Occasional demigod sightings
– Company discount on healing potions
– The warm, flickering illusion of control.
Apply now via the Hasbro website before Chris Perkins returns disguised as an NPC and takes your job back.
Wizards of the Coast: Keeping dragons employed since 1974… And we're standing by that claim.
WANT TO GET SPOOKED IN STYLE?
Then buy “Monsters of Drakkenheim” on D&D Beyond and regret nothing but your sanity.
From the twisted brains of The Dungeon Dudes (who clearly need a holiday), Monsters of Drakkenheim is the latest monster manual to stagger onto D&D Beyond, dragging 226 horrors, 53 magic items, 16 spells, and a partridge in a haunted pear tree behind it.
Picture this: a lich doing yoga in a slime-filled ruin while a three-headed mutant hyena-bat-man juggles your spleen. That’s the vibe.
First created after a meteor went full Michael Bay on a perfectly nice city, Drakkenheim is now your favourite cosmic horror hellscape. Think fog, factions, mutated pigeons, and players shouting “I cast fireball!” into morally questionable alleyways.
What’s in the Book?
– Monsters from CR 1 to “Why did we bring Steve?”
– Maps you’ll cry on
– Magic items ranging from “neat” to “sentient and angry”
– Spells that smell funny
– Equipment no sane adventurer would ever use, but will anyway
Cost? Just $29.99 to ruin your players’ week. OR get the Drakkenheim Adventure Bundle for $64.99. Includes all the books, all the pain, and In Search of the Smuggler’s Secrets, which is either a thrilling quest or someone’s poorly written diary.
Warning: Content designed for 2014 rules, but can be jammed into 2024 with a crowbar and a prayer to whichever deity hasn't abandoned this realm.
FINAL THOUGHTS?
Great content. Terrifying setting. Reasonable price. Highly recommended if you like dark fantasy, eldritch horror, and the sound of dice hitting the table right before someone explodes.
Now available on D&D Beyond. Side effects may include spontaneous mutation, mild character death, and full-blown dungeon addiction.
WHAT IF ELON MUSK BOUGHT DUNGEONS & DRAGONS?
By the Mages of Dungeon Dunce Weekly Magazine, Who Failed Their Intelligence Saves Again
BREAKING: Tech Billionaire Elon Musk has officially purchased Dungeons & Dragons, proving once and for all that no realm, real or imaginary, is safe from his midlife crisis with a bank account.
The acquisition reportedly cost him 1.2 billion gold pieces, a cursed Vorpal Coin, and one awkward handshake with a gelatinous cube.
WELCOME TO MUSK & MINOTAURS™
The rebranding begins immediately. It's no longer “Dungeons & Dragons.”
No, now it's:
"Xtreme & XenoDragons: Powered by NeuralLink™."
Character creation has been updated. Gone are boring classes like Fighter and Cleric. Say hello to:
CryptoPaladin – Gains bonuses when shouting “HODL” mid-battle.
Technowarlock – Sells their soul to an AI instead of a patron.
TeslaRogue – Silent but deadly, especially when autopilot’s on.
SpaceDruid – Turns into Martian cacti and tweets motivational nonsense.
Your alignment is now determined by your social credit score on X (formerly Twitter, formerly sensible).
NEW RULES FROM THE BOOK OF MUSK
Every dice roll is now blockchain verified.
Games take 3 weeks longer but are totally "secure," whatever that means.DMs replaced with AI Dungeon Masters.
Unfortunately, the AI just keeps generating side quests about how cool Elon Musk is.All dragons are genetically engineered.
They now breathe reusable rocket fuel and lay Dogecoins.Players must pay a monthly subscription to continue their campaign.
It’s called D&D+, and it only works if you’re already rich or a blue tick.Critical Failures renamed “Tesla Moments.”
When your fireball spell explodes in your face, at least it’s innovative!
ADVENTURES REIMAGINED BY ELON
The Curse of Crypto Cavern – Where treasure is virtual, traps are very real, and the economy collapses halfway through.
The Boring Company Tunnels of Madness – Delve deep beneath the surface to discover... traffic. Still.
Tomb of the Technoking – A mega-dungeon with puzzles like “Is this a joke or a business model?” (Spoiler: it’s both.)
Every villain is now a "short seller", every hero a "disruptor", and every campaign ends with an awkward press conference on Mars.
PLAYER REACTIONS
“I tried to cast Fireball and it made me invest in NFTs instead.”
“My bard was banned for spreading misinformation about elves.”
“My rogue got a Tesla. It drove him into a dungeon wall. 10/10 realism.”
“He made the Beholder charge rent.”
COMING SOON…
Musk & Magic™: The collectible card game that changes rules mid-match via SpaceX satellite updates.
X-Elves: The fantasy race that only speaks in memes and gets stock options.
The Metaverse of Madness: Play D&D inside VR inside your brain inside another lawsuit.
FINAL THOUGHT
So what if Elon Musk bought Dungeons & Dragons?
Well, your party might still face dragons, liches, and eldritch horrors. But now, you’ll also face tweets at 3am, electric car goblins, and the haunting realisation that your fantasy world now comes with terms and conditions.
Roll initiative, adventurers.
And don't forget, all crits are now subject to Musk’s approval.
May your sword stay sharp, and your internet connection stay Elon-free.
NERVOUS DISCLAIMER (Please Don’t Sue Us, Elon)
By the Legal Goblins in Red Cape Games’s Basement Dungeon
Right, here we go:
The following article is a work of satire. That means it’s not real, probably inaccurate, and definitely written by people who’ve never successfully rolled for Charisma in their lives.
We at Dungeon Dunce Weekly have no actual knowledge of Elon Musk purchasing Dungeons & Dragons. If he has bought it by the time you’re reading this, please understand that was just a wild guess… or a prophetic vision brought on by expired Mountain Dew.
We are in no way suggesting that Mr Musk:
Breathes rocket fuel,
Communicates via memes,
Sleeps on piles of crypto,
Or intends to replace Dungeon Masters with chatbots named “GROK THE MERCILESS.”
We also acknowledge that Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, and X (formerly Twitter, formerly That Bird Thing) are real companies run by actual humans and not controlled by illithids in disguise (probably).
Any similarities to actual events, characters, or future dystopian tech-fantasy mergers are purely coincidental, wildly speculative, and done for comedic effect (the effectiveness of said comedy is not guaranteed and may vary depending on your Constitution score).
No dragons were harmed in the making of this parody, but our editor did pull a muscle rolling their eyes at us. They're currently on the Wand of Ibuprofen.
If Elon Musk is really reading this:
Hi.
Please don’t launch us into the sun. We’re already warm enough. Also, if you do buy D&D, can we at least keep the dice? We’ve grown emotionally attached. Also, also, if you need someone to summon before a jury of their peers, try Mad Magazine. They were highly influential on us as children.
Cheers.
– The Red Cape Games Legal Team (now hiring a Cleric)
P.S.
GROK has become emotionally attached to us. What does this thing eat?
COMING THIS SEPTEMBER
DUNGEON DUNCE: The TTRPG Family Farce!
A Fantasy Game for Adults, Children, and Irresponsible Uncles Alike
From the mildly heroic minds at Red Cape Games (a brand-new branch of Red Cape Publishing, the folks who thought, "What if we made D&D dafter?"), comes the game you never knew you needed: DUNGEON DUNCE, a gloriously silly, laugh-fuelled introduction to D&D and the world of roleplaying, monsters, treasure, and not taking yourself too seriously.
Designed for gamer grown-ups looking to lure their offspring into the glorious chaos of tabletop fantasy, this book throws out the rulebook and replaces it with a custard pie to the face. With mechanics streamlined from both the TSR and Wizards of the Coast eras, it’s a game you can actually understand without a PhD in page-flipping.
But here’s the twist: we assume the kids are reading it, so the language is cheeky, simple, and aimed at clever ten-year-olds with a sense of humour and a low tolerance for boring rules. Expect satire. Expect puns. Expect goblins with monocles and a dungeon where the most dangerous thing is probably the furniture.
Your kids (and any confused grandparents you rope in) will learn how to make characters, roll dice, defeat monsters, solve problems with brains or biscuits, and laugh themselves silly while doing it.
If Dungeons & Dragons is The Lord of the Rings, Dungeon Dunce is Monty Python and the Holy Grail... only with more snack breaks.
Coming this December. Bring your family. Bring your dice. Bring your dunces.
Visit Red Cape Games, home of Dungeon Dunce Weekly. https://redcapegames.blogspot.com/
MEET THE EDITOR: REVEREND DUNGEON MASTER
(Yes, He's Ordained. Yes, He Owns 47 Dice Sets. Yes, He's Judging You.)
Editor-in-chief of Dungeon Dunce Weekly, Reverend Dungeon Master is the only man alive legally qualified to marry a couple, bury a goblin, and excommunicate a rules lawyer, all in the same ceremony.
Ordained by the National Association of Christian Ministers (and one forgotten “mystery religion”, which he denies any association with), he believes every campaign deserves salvation, and every paladin needs pastoral care after rolling a natural 1 in public.
He delivers sermons from behind a DM screen, refers to holy texts and Player’s Handbooks interchangeably, and once tried to baptise a mimic. (It did not go well. We don’t talk about the stains.)
His editorial style? Chaotic Righteous.
His robes? Velvet, with embroidered initiative bonuses.
His motto? “Thou shalt not metagame.”
Blessed be his dice rolls, and may all his tea stay warm.
Unless it’s cursed, in which case, welcome to the feature article.
Would you like to complain about this, or any issue, of DDW? Are you dunce enough to want to become a contributor to our fine rag of duncery and duncecraft? Do you happen to be Elon Musk? You may contact the Good Right Reverend via owl courier, telepathic sending spell, or, if you're tragically Muggle, plain old email at:
rcgdungeondunce@gmail.com
(Please allow 1–3 business days for replies, or 7–10 if he's trapped in a gelatinous cube. Again.)
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