WANTED: One-Eyed Monster for Long Walks in the Dungeon
LONELY WIZARD (347 years young, give or take a century)
ISO: BEHOLDER
(Hovering horror preferred.)
About Me:
I’m a semi-retired necromancer with a taste for the finer things: cursed jewellery, dramatic capes, and talking to skulls that may or may not talk back. I enjoy potion mixing, mirror-staring, and screaming “YOU FOOLS!” at apprentices who overboil the phylactery tea.
Turn-ons:
Floating eyes. Disintegration beams. Someone who really sees me… like, all at once, from every angle. Preferably while levitating. Must enjoy candlelit rituals and be open-minded about interdimensional politics.
Turn-offs:
Clerics. People who ask “Have you tried not being evil?” Vampires who sparkle. That one paladin who keeps posting shirtless selfies on the message stone.
Ideal Match:
You: Glorious spherical beauty with a toothy grin and enough eye stalks to qualify for a hydra license. Must appreciate quiet nights rearranging reality and zapping intruders. Bonus if your central eye can dispel shame, regret, and my unpaid guild fees.
Looking for:
A meaningful connection or at least a mutual arrangement involving lairs, traps, and occasional casual annihilation of adventuring parties. Let’s start with dinner, preferably not one of my minions this time.
Reply via Sending Spell or Owl (unroasted, please).
Quote Reference: “Eye of Newt and Heart of Gold”
NOTE: Not affiliated with BeholdersUnited. Previous matches included a rust monster (messy), a banshee (very loud), and a mimic (emotionally sticky).
One-Eyed Floating Crime Lord Launches Blingy Dice Set, You Mugs
Sirius Dice Dedicates Whole Product Line to Beholder with the Personality of a Used Wand Salesman
Roll for marketing initiative, folks. Sirius Dice has flung yet another glittery gob of plastic wizardry into the void of your wallet, this time in honour of D&D’s least cuddly eye-balloon: Xanathar, the beholder who somehow runs crime syndicates while simultaneously obsessing over a pet goldfish. Yes, truly the Al Capone of gelatinous eye tyrants.
Enter: The Xanathar Treasure Pack
A box full of trinkets no sane adventurer needs, but will absolutely buy anyway, featuring dice, coins, and a pouch to stuff your regrets in.
What’s in the Box? (Other than Disappointment)
1. Dice Set (7 bits of numbery nonsense):
Each pack comes with a randomised selection from 53 new sets. Rarities range from Common (meh) to Legendary (oooh, shiny!). One set allegedly traps Xanathar inside, like a magical snow globe with extra evil.
Also included: icons of Xanathar’s eye-stalks and his disturbingly beloved fish, Sylgar. Because nothing says terror like aquatic companionship.
2. Embroidered Dice Bag:
Featuring a glamour shot of Xanathar’s floating mug and available in seven colours (collect them all, said no one with rent to pay). It’s basically a medieval purse for your maths addiction.
3. Waterdeep-Style Coin:
Heavy metal currency replicas straight from the City of Splendours, also known as "that place every DM forgets has laws." If you're incredibly lucky (or cursed), you might pull a 24 karat gold-plated coin. Only 50 exist, making them rarer than a punctual bard.
How Much for the Beholder Bag o’ Bits?
Just $19.99 USD (plus the usual fantasy taxes and the soul of your inner child). You get dice, a shiny coin, and a pouch, and maybe, just maybe, the golden eyeball of destiny. Or not. It’s basically D&D lootboxes for people with self-control issues.
Perfect for Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, or for impressing your group’s rogue who thinks “collectible” means “stealable.”
Final Verdict:
Do you need this? No.
Do you want it? Definitely.
Will it help you roll better?
Absolutely not.
But it’s got a beholder, a goldfish, and possibly the best dice bag since that rogue tried hiding contraband in his chainmail trousers.
Buy it now at your local game shop, the Sirius website, or (if you’re feeling particularly masochistic), Amazon.
Next Time on Dice That Shouldn’t Exist:
Arby’s Dice: Would you like crits with that?
New Board Game: “Horrified D&D”—also describes your players’ decision-making.
Runic Gemstone Dice: For when your table needs to double as a geologist’s wet dream.
ADVENTURE OF THE WEEKEND: The Cult of the Floating Eyeball That Was Probably a False God (Definitely)
A Dungeon Dunce Crawl by Your Favourite Overlord
THE STORY – WHY ARE THEY HERE?
The players received a "divine vision" after eating suspicious cheese in a dodgy tavern. The vision showed a cave filled with golden light, a voice chanting:
“COME YE, FOOLS, TO THE TEMPLE OF EYE. THEREIN LIES POWER, GLORY, AND A FREE LUNCH.”
Naturally, they followed it. Now they stand at the mouth of the “Eye See You Caverns,” a former root cellar now converted into a temple by the Cult of the Optic Oracle, a bunch of fanatics who believe a floating eyeball is their god. Spoiler: it’s a beholder, and it’s deeply annoyed by the whole thing.
Roleplaying Brother Blinky, Cult Leader
Brother Blinky is a loud, sweaty man in oversized robes decorated with googly eyes. He’s convinced that the “Optic Oracle” (the beholder) speaks through his dreams and sandwich fillings.
How to Play Him:
Speak in CAPITALS and wildly misinterpret everything.
Make dramatic gestures with a ladle.
Mistake the players for divine messengers.
Cry whenever someone blinks.
Insist the Beholder is definitely a god, despite repeated evidence to the contrary.
Favourite Lines:
“Do NOT question the floating eye, lest ye be lasered!”
“It blinked once for yes, twice for smite!”
“You must pass the Trial of Gaze… or at least the Mildly Annoying Test of Sight!”
AT THE DESTINATION – THE EYE SEE YOU CAVERNS
A converted wine cellar now filled with wacky cult décor: floating eyeball banners, piles of melted candles, and suspicious puddles. It smells of mildew, overcooked lentils, and fear.
ROOM 1: THE LOBBY OF LASERS
Read Aloud:
“You enter a chamber full of statues with melted faces. A plaque reads: ‘ALL HAIL THE EYE WHO SEES ALL. ESPECIALLY ON TUESDAYS.’ Above, an eyeball-shaped chandelier spins slowly.”
What Happens:
It’s a trap! The chandelier is actually a floating laser orb with poor aim.
When triggered, it fires one random laser each round.
THE LASER ORB (Mini-Eyeball Trap)
AC: 13
HP: 15
Each turn, roll 1d4:
Laser beam! 1d6 fire damage to a random person.
Dazzle ray! Target must roll to avoid dancing.
Confetti blast! Nothing happens, but it’s festive.
Disco mode! Loud music, no damage, lots of smoke.
Stuck? Say:
“A voice from nowhere says, ‘Please wait to be judged.’”
ROOM 2: THE GOOEY GUARDIANS’ GALLERY
Read Aloud:
“A long hallway lined with robed figures. They chant, ‘Eye see you… Eye see you…’ One sneezes.”
What Happens:
The cultists are guarding a door but are easily distracted.
They’re playing a “Don’t Blink” game. Lose, and you're zapped by a wand of static shocks.
What They Do:
Challenge the players to a blinking contest.
If the players win, they’re let through.
If they lose, the cultists pelt them with popcorn.
Cultist Stats (per cultist)
AC: 10
HP: 8
Attacks with bad logic or small rocks (1d4 damage).
ROOM 3: THE PUZZLE OF PERCEPTION
Read Aloud:
“A floor mosaic shows dozens of eyeballs. Some wink. Some cry. One’s just judging you.”
Puzzle:
There are 6 pressure plates. Step on the right three (the crying, the judging, and the googly eye) to open the door.
Wrong combo? Gas fills the room. It smells like sour onions.
Stuck? Say:
“You recall a verse: ‘The Oracle cries when it sees truth, judges the foolish, and googles the rest.’”
ROOM 4: THE CANTEEN OF CURIOUS CATERING
Read Aloud:
“A steaming buffet of questionable food items awaits. Meatballs, gelatinous soup, and a ‘mystery tray’ labelled ‘Blessed Eye Dumplings.’”
What Happens:
Eating anything triggers wild magical effects. Roll 1d6:
You float for a minute.
You speak only in rhyme.
You grow extra fingers. Temporarily.
Your eyes glow. Cultists cheer.
Nothing happens, but you burp dramatically.
You swap voices with another player for 10 minutes.
ROOM 5: THE THRONE OF THE OPTIC ORACLE (Final Boss Room)
Read Aloud:
“A grand chamber filled with candles arranged in the shape of an eye. On a floating stone throne hovers a grumpy, sleep-deprived beholder.”
It grumbles, “Not again…”
The Beholder (The Optic Oracle)
AC: 17
HP: 65
Each turn, roll 1d4 for an eye beam:
Laser Zap (2d6 damage).
Confusion Ray (Target loses their next action).
Slow Ray (Target rolls at -2 disadvantage).
Eye Poke! No damage, but it’s really rude.
What It Wants:
Peace. Sleep. Less chanting.
Offers to let them live if they destroy the cult.
Stuck? Say:
“The Oracle sighs deeply. ‘Do you know how hard it is to get eye drops in a dungeon?’”
ENDINGS
Players Win: The beholder gives them treasure to leave him alone. Mostly cursed items and gold shaped like eyeballs.
Players Lose: Cultists carry on chanting. The Oracle relocates to a quieter volcano.
They Join the Cult: They get robes and a lifetime supply of weird dumplings.
FINAL TIPS FOR FIRST-TIME OVERLORDS:
Give every eye a personality. Even floor eyes.
Don’t explain too much. Confusion is flavour.
Let the players try dumb ideas. Reward failure with spectacle.
If all else fails, make something explode. Or blink.
*ADVERTISEMENT – From the Glorious Pages of MAD MAGE MONTHLY
TIRED OF DRY EYES? FLOATING IN AGONY? SHOOTING EYE BEAMS IN THE WRONG DIRECTION?
INTRODUCING…
BLINKY’S BEHOLDER BAWLS
"The only eye drops with 11-nozzle precision!"
FORGET THE BURNING. FORGET THE LASERS. START SEEING LIKE A SEMI-INSANE ARCANE HORROR AGAIN.
Whether you're a classic dungeon-dweller or just floating menacingly through local ruins, nothing ruins a disintegration beam like a full-on case of Orb Dryness Syndrome (ODS).
But now, thanks to science, wizardry, and one very confused alchemist named Craig, you can lube those peepers in style!
FEATURES:
Specially formulated for beholders with 4 to 13 eyes!*
Anti-stalk-clotting technology!
Leaves you with that “just blinked” feeling (even if you’ve never blinked in your life).
Contains no actual eyeball juice. We promise.
Now with cucumber scent! For relaxation during annihilation.
TESTIMONIALS:
“I used to accidentally incinerate my cultists. Now I purposefully incinerate them. Thanks, Blinky!”
— Vorbag the Ocular Menace
“Finally, I can aim my petrification ray without hitting my own tentacle. 10/10.”
— Gleeblorp the Seer (Now Also a Life Coach)
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:
Temporary laser hiccups
Eyelash envy
Irrational affection toward optometrists
Singing in G# when applying drops
Slight increase in floating speed
WARNING:
Not for use on humans, elves, dwarves, halflings, gnomes, or anything with a soul. Do not ingest unless seeking a fast-track to a different plane of existence. Not suitable for mind flayers. Not a substitute for blinking. Not actually tested.
AVAILABLE NOW AT ALL DUNGEON PHARMACIES, OR SUMMON VIA ARCANE CODE: BL1NK-ME
*Buy one bottle, get cursed one free!
*Number of eyes supported may vary based on your eldritch heritage, tragic backstory, and subscription level. Always consult your local Eye Tyrant before beginning a new lube regime.
BLINKY’S BEHOLDER BAWLS – SEE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN EVISCERATING!
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