Dungeon Dunce Weekly #4
Introducing... the DUNGE-O-FLOW™!
The Only Air Duct System Specifically Designed for Evil Lairs, Underground Tombs, and That One Bloke’s Mum’s Basement!
Are your dungeons mustier than a wizard’s sock drawer?
Do your goblins keep passing out from “toxic ambience”?
Are your players complaining that every corridor smells like mildew, troll breath, and regret?
WELL SNIFF NO MORE!
The DUNGE-O-FLOW™ is here to revolutionise airflow in subterranean environments, because even death traps deserve good circulation.
Features Include:
WhisperQuiet™ Fan Runes – So silent, even your party’s rogue won’t hear them coming.
Mould-B-Gone Spells – Because nothing ruins the aesthetic of your sacrificial pit like black fungus.
Discreet Smoke Ventilation – Perfect for when your necromancer insists on lighting “mood candles.”
Skeleton-Safe Design – No more clogged ducts from loose femurs or helmet horns.
Built-In Ambient Moaning™ – For that authentic haunted crypt vibe (can be set to “Wailing”, “Groaning”, or “Passive-Aggressive Whispering”).
But wait! There’s more!
Order in the next ten minutes (or one round of combat, whichever’s quicker) and receive a FREE cursed thermostat, which randomly adjusts the temperature to “unbearably humid,” “hellfire blast,” or “why is there frost on the trapdoor?!”
Testimonial:
“Before DUNGE-O-FLOW™, my dungeon was stuffier than a lich’s diary. Now my minions are breathing easy and morale’s never been higher, except for Dave, but he’s still impaled on the spike trap.”
— Vladik the Damp, Dungeon Owner since 943 DR
So don’t be a twit. Ventilate your pit!
Call now: 1-800-SPELL-FAN or send a raven to our office in Upper Undermountain.
DUNGE-O-FLOW™ — Because Evil Shouldn’t Smell Like Wet Goblin.
Some side effects may include: poltergeist draughts, mimic infestations in ductwork, or accidentally ventilating into Celestia. Consult your local cleric before use.
The 10 Best D&D Campaigns for Beginners (According to Our Completely Sensible Ranking System That Was Decided Over Tea and a Pub Brawl)
Starting D&D can be more confusing than reading a microwave manual written in Elvish, but worry not! We’ve sorted through the clutter of dragons, dungeons, and dodgy NPCs to bring you the very best starter campaigns for the complete beginner, and we’ve rearranged the list because rules are for wizards.
So grab your dice, your most dramatic voice, and let’s faceplant into a gelatinous cube of fun. Here are the 10 best beginner-friendly D&D campaigns, served fresh from the cauldron.
1. Dragons of Stormwreck Isle
Published: October 2022 | Type: Baby’s First Dungeon Crawl
It’s short. It’s sweet. It comes with pre-made characters, rules even your gran could follow, and enough dragon-based drama to roast a whole Sunday dinner. You’ll go from Level 1 to 3 while playing through an island adventure with fewer complications than assembling IKEA furniture.
Perfect For: Anyone who thinks "AC" means "air conditioning."
2. The Wild Beyond the Witchlight
Published: September 2021 | Type: Roleplay and Mildly Unhinged Fey Shenanigans
Want whimsy, weirdness, and less stabbing? This campaign’s got a magical carnival, talking animals, and more fae mischief than a midsummer rave. Great for drama students and chaotic bards.
Perfect For: Players who’d rather make friends with the villain than slay them.
3. Tales from the Yawning Portal
Published: April 2017 | Type: Old-School Dungeon Mayhem
Seven classic adventures resurrected from the dusty vaults of D&D history, now available in a convenient “ye olde deathtrap” bundle. Want to experience dungeons the way your granddad did? Here you go!
Perfect For: Nostalgic masochists and aspiring trap-fodder.
4. The Lost Mine of Phandelver
Published: July 2014 | Type: Classic Roleplaying and Goblin Smashing
This one's the original banger, the ‘Abbey Road’ of beginner campaigns. A goblin kidnapping, a forgotten mine, and enough moral dilemmas to fill a philosophy class. Starts simple. Ends heroic. Or messy. Probably messy.
Perfect For: Literally everyone. If you haven’t played it, you’re doing D&D wrong.
5. Waterdeep: Dragon Heist
Published: September 2018 | Type: Urban Hijinks
Want a murder mystery, a gold heist, AND property ownership in a fantasy economy? Here you go! It’s “Grand Theft Faerûn” meets “Location, Location, Location.” Choose your villain, pick your season, and pray your players don’t burn the tavern down.
Perfect For: Aspiring landlords and plot-obsessed planners.
6. Candlekeep Mysteries
Published: March 2021 | Type: Mysteries, Puzzles, and Magical Books That Eat You
Seventeen short tales involving cursed books, secret libraries, and more plot twists than a telenovela. A great campaign for players who think stabbing is overrated and reading is attractive.
Perfect For: Bookworms and people who won’t shut up about their INT score.
7. Dragon of Icespire Peak
Published: September 2019 | Type: Ice, Dragons, and Job Board Quests
Includes everything but the tea and biscuits: dice, character sheets, rules, and a rogue dragon terrorising the Sword Coast. More modular than a LEGO set and just as likely to end in choking.
Perfect For: Players who need a campaign and a tutorial all in one.
8. Journeys Through the Radiant Citadel
Published: July 2022 | Type: Diverse Roleplaying and Dimensional Diplomacy
This one’s a cultural buffet of myth-inspired adventures from around the world, connected by a giant sparkly space hub. It’s brilliant, it’s inclusive, and it will absolutely confuse players who only understand dwarves with Scottish accents.
Perfect For: Storytellers, lore nerds, and people who say “vibes” unironically.
9. Ghosts of Saltmarsh
Published: May 2019 | Type: Swashbuckling Dungeon Dives
A seafaring series of adventures where your party can fight sea devils, sail into storms, and probably drown. Comes with optional pirate accents and guaranteed sea sickness.
Perfect For: Players who never recovered from watching Pirates of the Caribbean.
10. Quests from the Infinite Staircase
Published: July 2024 | Type: Multiversal Chaos
Six updated classic adventures stitched together by a wish-granting genie and an endless staircase. Perfect for players who want to get weird early and have absolutely no sense of direction.
Perfect For: People who think “linear storytelling” is a personal insult.
Still not sure? Flip a coin. Ask your cat. Or cast ‘Divination’. But honestly, just pick one and start. You’ll spend more time arguing about rations than you will reading this list anyway.
Are your enemies too calm?
Too composed? Too... alive?
Then it’s time to weaponise irritation with...
BARDIC ANNOYANCE™
“For When Murder Is Too Subtle.”
Hire a Certified Grade-A Nuisance Today!
At Bardic Annoyance™, we train only the most insufferably musical miscreants this side of Waterdeep. These aren’t your average tavern buskers, no, these are professionally obnoxious, magically licensed minstrels of mayhem who will follow your target anywhere and ruin their day with:
Endless Lute Solos
Off-Key Sea Shanties About Toenail Fungus
Interpretive Dance In Full Chainmail
Rhyme-Cursed Limiting Their Speech To Couplets
Sonic Bagpipe Blasts Tuned to "Aggressively Atonal"
Magical Repetition of “Wonderwall” Until God Intervenes
Choose Your Level of Misery:
Bronze Tier:
One bard, one mandolin, one broken sense of timing.
Silver Tier:
Duet with harmony spells. Targets may begin to weep.
Gold Tier:
A travelling troupe. May include kazoo warlocks and a triangle barbarian.
Platinum “Feywild Fury” Tier:
Full opera in your victim’s dreams. For three consecutive nights.
Specialty Add-Ons Include:
“Ballad of Your Embarrassing Failures” – Performed loudly in front of exes.
“Magical Megaphone of Minor Inconvenience” – Amplifies bard to be heard up to three villages away.
“Mood-Sabotaging Flute Solo” – Ideal during marriage proposals, coronations, or battle charges.
Actual Client Testimonial:
“My neighbour’s owlbear kept digging up my roses. Hired a Bardic Annoyance to perform exclusively outside his cave. He now lives in a completely different plane of existence. Five stars.”
— Glenda, Retired Sorceress & Casual Spite Enthusiast
Don’t cast Fireball. Cast Frustration. Hire a Bardic Annoyance™ and watch your enemies beg for silence.
Now Hiring!
Do you have a lute, no shame, and a flexible moral compass?
Apply at www.shutupandstrum.co.uk
BARDIC ANNOYANCE™
“Because Psychological Warfare Should Have a Soundtrack.”
ADVENTURE OF THE WEEKEND: The Wyrmbone Vault
Theme: Ancient death. Petty monarchs. A dragon who really should have stayed buried.
Tone: Grim, yes, but also riddled with sarcasm, bad decisions, and skeleton dragons with a flair for the dramatic.
WHY ARE THEY HERE?
Centuries ago, the noble golden dragon Vauryx the Lightward nobly died protecting the kingdom from some vague but probably important evil.
Or so the royal PR claimed.
In reality, the locals looted his hoard, poisoned him with ceremonial soup, and buried him in a vault so cursed it’s practically got its own postcode.
Now he’s back. Only less “noble protector,” more “bone-mouthed vengeance engine.”
The king, currently pretending none of this is his fault, offers 10,000 gold and a barony (in a swamp, naturally) for anyone daft enough to deal with it.
INTRO DIALOGUE: BROTHER TILN, FULL-TIME NUTTER
Before braving the Vault, the party encounters Brother Tiln, a monk with more loose screws than a cursed Ikea wardrobe.
How to Play Tiln:
Giggles at nothing.
Licks stones “for communion purposes.”
Calls his walking stick “Mum.”
Speaks in half-riddles and full regret.
He says:
“The dragon’s back, loves. Skinless, goldless, and well cross.”
“Don’t show him coins. Don’t show him teeth. And for the love of God, don’t wink at him.”
THE DUNGEON: THE WYRMBONE VAULT
Set beneath the gloriously unstable Blackspire Mountains, the Vault reeks of melted wealth, betrayal, and poor design choices. It gets colder the deeper you go, like your ex’s stare, but with more skeletons.
ROOM 1: THE GILDED TOMB
Read Aloud:
“You arrive at a golden staircase that’s collapsing faster than the royal economy. At the bottom: bones. So many bones. In the centre, a dragon’s skull with a mouth that says ‘feed me’.”
Trap:
If players are carrying gold (spoiler: they are), the eyes glow ominously.
Put a coin in the mouth = whisper of thanks, slight tingle.
Ignore the skull = a Gold Revenant emerges and demands you pay taxes.
GOLD REVENANT
AC: 14
HP: 18
Each Turn:
Greed Grasp (1d6 + nicks 1d4 gold from your purse)
Coin Burst (1d4 to all nearby, blinds via excessive glitter; CON check)
ROOM 2: THE BROKEN ALTAR
Read Aloud:
“This altar was once holy. Now it’s got more cracks than the royal marriage. Claw marks on the walls. And in Infernal, the graffiti reads: ‘Thanks for NOTHING.’”
Puzzle:
Find and return three holy relics scattered around side chambers. Failing to restore the altar means the dracolich gets extra rage-buff sauce in the final fight.
If tampered with too much, cue the angry birds:
BONE VULTURES
AC: 12
HP: 6 each
Each Turn:
Dive Peck (1d4)
Shriek of Dust (1d6, WIS check or forget your own name.)
ROOM 3: THE GOLDEN SLEEP
Read Aloud:
“Mountains of melted heirlooms and unwanted heirlooms. Gold goblets with teeth marks. A smashed royal statue flipped upside-down. Something breathes beneath it all. Loudly.”
The pile shifts.
A dragon’s skeleton emerges, ten tonnes of dramatic regret and very poor dental hygiene.
BOSS FIGHT: VAURYX THE DRACOLICH
AC: 17
HP: 85
Looks like a bony flying cathedral.
Hates everyone equally.
Each Turn:
Bonefire Breath (30 ft cone, 4d6; DEX check or enjoy your new holey wardrobe)
Tail Crush (2d8, knocks prone, bruises dignity)
Soul Roar (WIS check or drop your gear, sob, and question life choices)
Legendary Reactions (2/round):
Soulburn Glare (Auto 1d6 damage if you dare strike him; reduces your maximum HP too, because why not?)
Golden Memory (Drains charges from your magic item like a dodgy USB port; heals him 10 HP)
Special Hack:
If someone offered gold to the skull in Room 1, they can yell his true name once. He freezes for a round, wonders what he’s doing with his after-life, and forgets to breath-weapon the room into ash.
TREASURE
Vauryx’s Heartstone
Cast Revivify + Fireball at once, once per day. Because sometimes you save and destroy simultaneously.Crown of the Vault-Breaker
+1 AC, and the ability to make your eyes glow like you're constantly telling ghost stories.10,000 gold
Comes with the dragon’s lingering scent and half a kingdom's guilt.3 Cursed Thrones
Each whispers your worst fear. One offers “business advice.” All of them want a hug.
ENDING OPTIONS
Victory:
The Vault collapses. Vauryx crumbles. Somewhere, a bard begins writing the totally inaccurate tale of your success. You’re knighted and sent to govern a peat bog. Congratulations.Failure:
Vauryx escapes. Gold across the land begins whispering. The moon turns a worrying shade of green. You’re blamed anyway.Moral Twist:
Turns out, the dragon was cursed for defending the realm. The real villain? A royal ancestor who didn’t want to share their bedtime stories or magical loot. Shocker.
ADVENTURER’S MONTHLY PRESENTS:
“DRAGON SPRAY!”
Because Getting Roasted Alive is So Last Season.
Tired of turning into a flaming shish kebab every time a dragon so much as hiccups?
Sick of your mates pointing and laughing while you’re charcoal with legs?
Wish you had something—anything—to stop your next “epic encounter” from becoming a mobile cremation?
Introducing:
DRAGON SPRAY™
“Now with 78% less screaming!”
WHAT IS IT?
Dragon Spray is the only alchemical mist guaranteed* to repel dragons, drakes, wyverns, kobolds with identity issues, and that one bard who insists he’s “part dragon” because his uncle once touched a gemstone.
(*By "guaranteed" we mean "vaguely implied".)
HOW DOES IT WORK?
It doesn’t!
But it smells so bad, even red dragons will wrinkle their snouts and say, “You know what? Not worth it.”
Infused with rare ingredients:
Essence of Troll Armpit
Fermented Basilisk Tears
And a hint of Bravery No. 5 (the cologne for cowards)
INSTRUCTIONS:
Shake vigorously (like your cleric after seeing the initiative order).
Spray generously in the direction of anything scaled and angry.
Pray.
Run.
Regret.
TESTIMONIALS:
“I sprayed it right in the dragon’s eyes. He sneezed, swallowed my mate, and left. So… partial success?”
– Kev the Rogue (Currently applying for new party)
“I use it every day. No dragons in sight. Also, no friends, but that’s unrelated.”
– Olma the Wizard (smells faintly of regret)
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:
Sudden invisibility (only to party healers)
Spontaneous bard attraction
Your armour turning into cheese
Belief you can “totally solo this boss, lads”
General stickiness
NOW AVAILABLE IN:
Minty Screams
Mountain Dew & Despair
New! Odour of Betrayal
GET YOURS TODAY!
Available at all reputable magic shops, three dodgy ones, and Jeff behind the tavern who sells “off-brand” scrolls.
Only 5 gold per bottle, or 2 if you don’t ask what’s in it.
DRAGON SPRAY™
“Because being flambé’d is only funny once.”
Not approved by the Alchemical Safety Council, the Guild of Reasonable Expectations, or any dragons.
_________________________
See ya next week.
Now off with ya!
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