Soggy Sage Advice: Dungeons & Dreck Returns (And Nobody Asked For It)
The once-dead “official” rule explainer rises again, like a mouldy leftover in a microwave dungeon.
Do you enjoy reading legal documents written in Elvish? Fancy a spot of rule-lawyering so dry it could be used as kindling? Well, break out your scroll cases, because the Sage Advice Compendium has been dragged out of retirement, slapped with a fresh coat of digital paint, and shoved back onto D&D Beyond like an ageing bard who refuses to quit the tavern stage.
Yes, Sage Advice is back. Just when you thought it was safe to roll initiative.
What in the Nine Hells is Sage Advice Anyway?
Originally cobbled together by Jeremy “Let Me Clarify That Again” Crawford (who has since made the wise decision to flee), this was meant to be a handy reference guide for DMs and players confused by D&D’s labyrinthine rules. It aimed to settle arguments like “Can a monk use Flurry of Blows while wearing oven mitts?” or “Does this spell require a goat’s whisper or a full-blown musical number?”
It was updated so infrequently, most players assumed it had perished in a gelatinous cube-related accident. But no. Like a cursed amulet, it’s back. And now it lives on D&D Beyond, where updates can happen more often than, say, actual play sessions that finish a full campaign.
So, What’s Actually Inside This Thing?
Released 30th April 2025, the new Soggy Advice Compendium includes a sprawling index of rulings that reads like bedtime reading for soulless liches. Current categories include:
Rules References (For when your group is so fun, you’d rather read citations)
Official Rulings (Because Twitter threads weren’t confusing enough)
Adventuring (Now with less actual adventure)
Combat (Still vague, now with footnotes)
Species Traits (Don’t say 'race,' we’re pretending that wasn’t a thing)
Magic Items (Clarified to the point of removing all mystery)
Spellcasting (Did you think you knew how spells worked? Ha!)
Multiclassing (For when you want to make your DM cry)
Equipment (Still no ruling on magical socks)
Backgrounds (Now includes “Disgruntled Player” as an option)
And Monsters, who reportedly tried to unionise after reading their own entries.
Each section oozes the thrilling charm of being stuck in a lecture about cheese regulations. But now, it links directly to errata, which is Latin for “the bits we didn’t get right the first time”.
Final Thoughts (and Regrets)
With D&D 2024 already splitting tables like cursed furniture, Sage Advice 2.0 is here to glue it back together using interpretive dance and parentheticals. But let’s be honest, nobody’s thrilled. It’s like being handed a glossary in the middle of a pub brawl. Too little, too late, and it only helps the person who started the fight in the first place.
So if you're the sort of masochist who enjoys arguing over line breaks in rulebooks or reciting page numbers like they're spell components, you’ll absolutely love this dry, bureaucratic grimoire of nitpicking. Everyone else? Just keep making up rulings, rolling dice, and ignoring the digital clipboard.
Access the new Sage Advice Compendium on D&D Beyond now, unless you’ve got something more fun to do, like alphabetising your dice or watching paint dry on a mimic.
ADVENTURE OF THE WEEKEND: THE TOWER OF QUESTIONABLE SANITY
A Dungeon Crawl in the Style of Mad Magazine (with Bonus British Sarcasm)
(5e Stats, One Puzzle, One Trap, Rival Bandits, and a Mad Wizard Who Talks to Furniture)
THE PREMISE
You and your brave-ish adventuring party have heard whispers of the Tower of Questionable Sanity, an ancient spire owned by the famously unhinged wizard Archibald the Ambivalent. Within lies a magical item of unspeakable power — the Amulet of Slight Inconvenience, capable of turning wine to vinegar and boots to uncomfortable.
You’re not alone. A rival group of bandits-for-hire, led by a smug Tabaxi rogue in flashy boots, is also after the prize. They’re faster, louder, and infinitely more Instagrammable.
LEVEL ONE: THE FOYER OF FLIMSY SECURITY
You enter the tower through an open window (the front door being busy holding a grudge). Inside: cracked tiles, suspicious stains, and a welcome mat that says "Bugger Off."
TRAP: The Rug of Face-Planting™
One step on the ornate rug triggers a magical banana-peel effect.
Each creature that steps on it must make a DC 13 Dexterity Saving Throw or fall prone, drop one random item, and suffer 1d4 psychic damage from embarrassment.
The rug cackles. You feel personally attacked.
LEVEL TWO: THE LIBRARY OF CRYPTIC CRYPTICS
PUZZLE: The Bookcase of Passive-Aggression
The only exit is hidden. A massive bookcase blocks the way and says, “Oh, I suppose you’d like me to move, would you?”
To proceed, the players must arrange the following books in the correct order:
Potions You Shouldn’t Drink
A History of Ill-Advised Haircuts
How to Trap Adventurers for Fun and Profit
I’m Not Mad, Just Disappointed: A Wizard’s Diary
Clue on the wall: “Judge not the cover, but the alphabet.”
The correct order by title: A, H, I, P
If they succeed: the bookcase sighs and slides open.
If they fail: the bookcase rolls over them for 2d6 bludgeoning damage and still doesn't move.
LEVEL THREE: THE BROOM CLOSET OF BANDITRY
Enter the rival bandits. These aren’t your garden-variety thugs — they’ve got flair, matching uniforms, and marketing strategies.
Bandit Crew (AC 13, HP 22 each)
Special Attack: “Mediocre Swordplay” – +4 to hit, 1d8+2 slashing
Tactics: Lots of shouting, tactical posing, and throwing potted plants.
Tabaxi Rogue Leader: Boots-on-Paws
AC: 15
HP: 38
Special Abilities:
Feline Agility: Dash, dodge, and insult twice as fast.
Boot Swipe: Bonus action – knock a magic item out of a PC’s hand (DC 14 Dex save)
Sneer of Confidence: Once per encounter, forces all PCs within 10 ft. to make a DC 12 Wisdom save or feel mildly inferior (disadvantage on next action).
Defeating the crew earns applause from an enchanted coat rack and 60 gold coins in shiny belt pouches.
LEVEL FOUR: THE WIZARD’S LOUNGE (Final Encounter)
You find Archibald the Ambivalent, deep in debate with his spellbook over the ethics of animated furniture. He sees you. He weeps. Then laughs. Then throws a teacup at you.
Archibald the Ambivalent (Mad Wizard – Final Boss)
AC: 16
HP: 88
Special Abilities/Attacks:
Spellflux Bolt (2/day): Shoots a bolt of raw magic. +7 to hit, 4d10 force damage, and target must roll on a wild magic table.
Animated Armchair Minions (2): Each AC 13, HP 20, bludgeon with armrests for 1d8+1.
Indecision Field (Passive): Any spell or action targeting Archibald has a 25% chance of being redirected to a random target (friend, foe, wall).
During the battle, he shouts things like:
“I prepared Fireball, but should I? Really?”
“This teacup is the key to everything!”
“You’re not real! Or are you?”
TREASURE ROOM
Behind Archibald lies a glowing pedestal holding the Amulet of Slight Inconvenience. Nearby, a sign reads:
“Do not use near salads, potions, or romantic partners.”
Loot Includes:
Amulet of Slight Inconvenience (minor cursed item, makes daily life mildly frustrating)
240 GP
Wand of Door Unlocking (only works on doors already unlocked)
Scroll of Summon Minor Nuisance (conjures a creature that criticises your haircut)
Archibald’s Diary (mostly complaints about chairs)
COMING THIS NEVER: SAGE ADVICE™ – THE HOME EDITION!
Because D&D wasn’t confusing enough already.
From the creators of "Errata Monthly" and "The Unearthed Arcana Jigsaw Puzzle (Now With Missing Pieces!)" comes the game that turns every game night into a rules seminar!
What’s in the Box?
327 Conflicting Rule Cards
A d20 that always rolls 17, but only when it doesn’t matter
The Jeremy Crawford Action Figure (now with Shrugging Motion™)
A giant red buzzer that shouts “Actually…” every time someone makes a ruling
One blank page titled "DM Sanity Tracker"
Errata expansions delivered weekly, against your will
How Do You Play?
Pick a basic rule.
Misinterpret it completely.
Roll for smugness.
Debate until friendships dissolve.
Consult the Sage Advice Booklet, which only references rules that changed three editions ago.
Lose. (Everyone does.)
Bonus Features!
Includes “Rules Lawyer” mini-game: out-argue your friends using only footnotes and cryptic tweets!
Unlock the Dungeon Master's Sobbing Corner!
“Multiclass Mayhem” Mode. Because who doesn’t love a bardbarianpaladinwarlock with three actions per breath?
DISCLAIMER: Game may result in mild to severe table flips, exasperated sighs, spontaneous character retirement, and DMs moving to a cabin in the mountains with no Wi-Fi.
ORDER NOW and we’ll throw in the Sage Advice Colouring Book, full of grey areas!
“It’s like Monopoly, but less fair and with more spreadsheets.” – Actual Reviewer Probably
THE 25 MOST "EPIC" D&D CAMPAIGNS EVER MADE (ACCORDING TO SOMEONE WHO’S DEFINITELY NOT BIASED)
As lovingly ridiculed by Dungeon Dunce & Red Cape Publishing
Ah, Dungeons & Dragons. That ancient pastime where grown adults argue about maths, pretend to be elf accountants, and collectively forget how grappling works, every single edition. It's been over 50 years since some nerds cracked open a rulebook and decided dice could determine life, death, and how long it takes to seduce a barmaid. Since then, campaigns have come and gone, some brilliant, some “brilliant,” and some written while inhaling far too much lead-based miniature paint.
So we’ve done the impossible: ranked 25 of them in order of arbitrary superiority! We used rigorous criteria such as “Does it have dragons?”, “Do we remember any of it?”, and “How angry will Reddit be if we leave this off?”
Let the sarcastic questing begin!
25. Icewind Dale: Rime of the Frostmaiden
AKA: The Fridge With Feelings
2020 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–12 | Setting: “The North” But Cold
Welcome to Icewind Dale, where it’s winter all the time, seasonal depression is a mechanic, and your wizard’s nipples could cut glass. Players brave a land cursed by the ice goddess Auril, who clearly has unresolved issues with central heating. Expect lots of snow, angst, and NPCs who exist solely to die in poetic ways. Bring gloves. And emotional resilience.
24. Storm King’s Thunder
AKA: Giants Throw Tantrums and You Deal With It
2016 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–10 | Setting: Sword Coast (Again)
Daddy Giant disappears, and suddenly all the other giants lose their minds like toddlers denied biscuits. The players get to travel around stopping these lumbering oafs while the DM tries to make giant politics sound interesting. Includes a big map, bigger egos, and a side of existential dread.
23. Tyranny of Dragons
AKA: How To Train Your Tiamat (Badly)
2023 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–15 | Setting: Sword Coast (Because Of Course)
Originally two separate books now squashed together like a dodgy sandwich. Players run around collecting plot coupons to stop a giant dragon goddess from emerging and turning the world into a barbecue pit. Expect inconsistent tone, dragons who hoard exposition, and villains who monologue worse than a Bond film.
22. Waterdeep: Dungeon of the Mad Mage
AKA: Mindless Violence, 23 Floors Deep
2018 | 5th Edition | Levels 5–20 | Setting: The City’s Basement
You like dungeons? You like them stacked like a cursed Jenga tower? Welcome to Undermountain, the endless oubliette beneath Waterdeep, where each level introduces new monsters and new ways to accidentally blow yourself up. Plot? Character development? Pfft. There’s a beholder that thinks it’s a landlord. That’s the tone.
21. Critical Role: Call of the Netherdeep
AKA: You Don’t Have to Watch the Show... But You Will
2022 | 5th Edition | Levels 3–12 | Setting: Exandria (Sponsored by Merch)
From the podcast that became a corporation comes this surprisingly competent romp through an underwater horror disco. Features ancient evils, haunted regrets, and players trying to pretend they didn’t binge 120 episodes just to get the references. Excellent for fans. Mildly confusing for everyone else. Fun for DMs? Hahahaha no.
20. Scarlet Citadel
AKA: DIY Dungeons & Dismemberment
2021 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–10 | Setting: Redtower (It’s Red. And a Tower.)
Third-party excellence! Or chaos. Hard to tell. A mega-dungeon that actively hates your party, features monsters that make no architectural sense, and a home base town that mostly exists to die heroically or be looted. Kobold Press once again proves they can out-Gygax Wizards when properly caffeinated.
19. Waterdeep: Dragon Heist
AKA: How I Met Your Villain (Choose One)
2018 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–5 | Setting: Waterdeep (Still!)
An “urban heist adventure” with multiple timelines and villains. Like Cluedo, but with spell slots. Players run around Waterdeep playing Grand Theft Gold Piece while seasons change and DMs question their will to live. Includes the famous “Alexandrian Remix,” which is Latin for “fixing it ourselves.”
18. The Wild Beyond The Witchlight
AKA: Willy Wonka Meets Nightmare Fuel
2021 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–8 | Setting: Feywild (The LSD Part of D&D)
This adventure asks, “What if combat was optional?” to which most murderhobos reply, “Boring!” Set in the surreal Feywild, this module leans into whimsy, weirdness, and wizards who wear far too much eyeliner. Great for roleplayers. Terrifying for anyone who insists charisma is a dump stat.
17. Out of the Abyss
AKA: Escape Room: Demon Edition
2015 | 5th Edition | Levels 1–8 | Setting: Underdark (Where No Joy Lives)
You wake up in a drow prison. Yes, you. No equipment. No spells. Just trauma. Then it gets worse. The Underdark’s crawling with demon lords, each more ridiculous than the last. Features: fungal cults, sentient ooze, and the subtle theme of “madness,” delivered via repeated TPKs.
Coming Up Next Time on Dungeon Dunce D&D Rankings™:
The Tomb of Horrors, or “Gary Gygax’s Hate Letter to Joy”
Curse of Strahd, aka “Please Date My Vampire”
And Lost Mine of Phandelver, the “Baby’s First TPK”
Put on your +2 Goggles of Disdain, because here comes Part Two (Because Mediocrity Deserves a Ranking Too). We're diving deeper into the abyss, and by abyss, we mean campaigns that may or may not have actually been playtested. Let the sarcasm continue.
16. Tales from the Yawning Portal
Published: 2017 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–15 (ish)
Setting: A collection of recycled trauma
Why It’s Here: It’s basically the D&D version of a Greatest Hits album, only without the remastering. Classic modules like Tomb of Horrors and The Sunless Citadel get shoehorned into a loose narrative, which is code for “we put them in a book together and hoped for the best.” A fine way to kill your players’ characters and their enthusiasm.
15. Outlaws of Alkenstar (Pathfinder 2E)
Published: 2022 | Edition: Pathfinder 2E | Levels: 1–10
Setting: Golarion, with extra gunpowder
Why It’s Here: Wait, guns? In my fantasy? Yes, it’s more likely than you think. Outlaws of Alkenstar is for the murderhobos who like their fireballs served with a side of flintlocks and full metal flavour. It’s Pathfinder, so expect crunchy rules, complicated initiative, and a plot that pretends you're not here just to shoot things in the face.
14. Vecna: Eve of Ruin
Published: 2024 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 10–20
Setting: All the multiverse, because why not?
Why It’s Here: Vecna’s back and this time he’s still missing one eye. It’s D&D: Endgame, with plane-hopping, NPCs from campaigns you probably never played, and a cosmic threat that basically boils down to "the Wi-Fi across realms is being unplugged forever." Features every major setting in a blender. A love letter to long-time fans and a total migraine for new ones.
13. The Red Hand of Doom
Published: 2006 | Edition: 3.5 | Levels: 6–12
Setting: Elsir Vale
Why It’s Here: Remember when campaigns had war, politics, and terrifying monster armies that didn’t just politely wait for you to level up? Red Hand of Doom is the gold standard for “oh no, we’re all going to die,” featuring actual consequences for failure. So good that even 5E players pretend they’ve run it. Spoiler: most haven’t.
12. Rise of the Runelords (Pathfinder 1E)
Published: 2007 | Edition: Pathfinder 1E | Levels: 1–18
Setting: Golarion
Why It’s Here: The campaign that launched a thousand character deaths. It starts with goblins, ends with world-ending threats, and somewhere in between you fight a serial killer, cults, and architecture. Yes, architecture. Still better written than most fantasy novels. Pathfinder at its most “rules-thick, plot-thicker.”
11. The Curse of Strahd (Original: Ravenloft, 1983 / Revised: 2016)
Published: 2016 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–10
Setting: Barovia
Why It’s Here: Goths rejoice. Strahd is Dracula but make it extra, with a full tragic backstory, questionable consent issues, and an undead army of tortured metaphors. The setting is so grim it makes Game of Thrones look like The Great British Bake Off. Fantastic NPCs, sprawling sandbox, and an evil vampire DM dream. But yes, your players will try to seduce him. They always do.
10. Planescape: Adventures in the Multiverse
Published: 2023 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 3–10
Setting: Sigil and beyond
Why It’s Here: Philosophy majors, this one’s for you. Planescape is where the real weirdos play. Sentient cubes, faction wars over metaphysical ideals, and a city run by a lady with swords orbiting her like passive-aggressive moons. Not for the faint of heart or the rules-lite. But if your group likes arguing with angels about whether free will exists, this is your jam.
9. The Temple of Elemental Evil
Published: 1985 | Edition: AD&D (1E) | Levels: 1–8+
Setting: Greyhawk
Why It’s Here: The most ‘80s D&D module ever made, featuring murder cults, questionable maps, and a dungeon so large it qualifies for city zoning laws. Infamous for its slow burn, the temple doesn’t even show up until you’ve had three near-death experiences and looted the equivalent of a small nation. Brutal, messy, iconic.
8. Baldur’s Gate: Descent into Avernus
Published: 2019 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–13
Setting: Baldur’s Gate & Hell (literally)
Why It’s Here: Start in a morally grey city, end up in Mad Max: Inferno Edition. You’ll drive soul-powered war machines across Hell’s highway system, which is exactly as metal as it sounds. Expect infernal contracts, morally dubious choices, and at least one warlock who sells the party out in exchange for “immortality” and a free makeover.
7. Lost Mine of Phandelver
Published: 2014 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–5
Setting: Forgotten Realms
Why It’s Here: The beginner module to rule them all. Goblins, dwarves, necromancers, and a town called Phandalin that sounds like a medieval laxative. It’s a classic tale of going into caves and hitting things until XP falls out. Short, sweet, and oddly better paced than most epic campaigns. Just don’t expect your players to remember the plot.
6. Tomb of Annihilation
Published: 2017 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–11
Setting: Chult (Jungle Murder Island)
Why It’s Here: Dinosaur racing, deadly diseases, and a literal death curse that makes resurrection impossible. Oh, and the final dungeon is a trap-filled meat grinder designed by Satan on a hangover. It’s Indiana Jones meets Saw, and if your players survive the final tomb, they’ll probably deserve real XP in life.
5. The Wilds of Eldraine: The Witchlight Carnival Remix (Unofficial but brilliant)
Published: Internet | Edition: 5E hack
Setting: Feywild meets high camp
Why It’s Here: Someone looked at Witchlight and said, “This needs more chaos, more fae nonsense, and fewer rules.” Now it’s basically Alice in Wonderland directed by Terry Gilliam. Highly recommended if you like your fantasy weird, your maps full of Easter eggs, and your players constantly asking, “Is that mushroom trying to bribe me?”
4. The Enemy Within (Warhammer Fantasy RPG)
Published: 1986–1989 (and revised) | Edition: WFRP | Levels: Doom
Setting: Warhammer’s Empire
Why It’s Here: It’s not D&D, but it's the reason many DMs cry themselves to sleep. A gritty, paranoia-laced political thriller with cults, corruption, and absolutely no happy endings. It’s like Strahd had a nervous breakdown and moved to Germany. If you like losing friends to chaos and bureaucracy, this one’s for you.
3. Kingmaker (Pathfinder 1E/2E)
Published: 2010 / 2022 (remastered) | Edition: Pathfinder | Levels: 1–20
Setting: Stolen Lands
Why It’s Here: Build a kingdom, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. But first: murder bandits, wrangle taxes, and stop that one player from building a dungeon in your capital called “The Murder Pit.” Half sandbox, half civilization sim, all chaos. Also comes with spreadsheets. Glorious spreadsheets.
2. The Adventure Zone: Balance Arc (Podcast-to-table adaptation)
Published: 2014–2017 | Edition: 5E-inspired, with chaotic house rules
Setting: Griffin McElroy’s imagination on fire
Why It’s Here: Not a traditional campaign, but possibly the best story ever improvised on-mic. Heart, humour, and one genuinely emotional arc involving a sad robot and a stolen umbrella. If your group wants to laugh, cry, and maybe get adopted by a lich, this is the benchmark.
1. Curse of Strahd (Revamped Edition)
Published: 2020 | Edition: 5th | Levels: 1–10
Setting: Barovia, again
Why It’s Here: Because it’s the Citizen Kane of D&D modules. Everything about this edition oozes style, mood, and existential dread. Strahd remains D&D’s ultimate sad vampire boyfriend, and Barovia never gets less cursed. If your party can escape without burning down Vallaki, congratulations. You’ve earned therapy.
There it is. The 25 “Best” D&D campaigns. Fight us in the comments (or the Feywild).
________________________________
NOW HIRING: DUNGEON MEDIC
(Because your cleric’s too busy snogging the bard again)
ROLL UP, ROLL UP!
Are you tired of bleeding out while your party argues over whether to loot your body or eat it for rations?
Do you find yourself yelling “HEAL ME” only to be met with “Hang on, I’m out of spell slots, bruv”?
Introducing the revolutionary new class your party never asked for but definitely deserves:
THE MEDIC
(Yes, that’s right. Not a cleric. Not a paladin. A proper medic. With bandages. And sarcasm.)
FEATURES INCLUDE:
Field Plasters of Moderate Inconvenience – Stick it on, walk it off, cry a little inside.
Needles of Probably Not Poison – Increases HP or maybe tetanus. It’s a gamble!
Shouting Loudly at the Wounded – Heals 1d4 morale. Causes 2d6 embarrassment.
Actual Medical Training – None of this "divine power" nonsense. Just years at Bardfordshire School of Ailments and Improvisation.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
Spoonful of Mystery Goo (Bonus Action): Unknown liquid, known results.
Passive-Aggressive First Aid (Reaction): “Oh, now you want healing, do you?”
Surgical Strike: It’s not magical, but it will hurt.
Triage Roulette: Choose a party member at random to save. The rest get a pamphlet on tourniquet etiquette.
EQUIPMENT:
1 bloodstained apron
3 suspect poultices
1,000-yard stare
Zero patience
TESTIMONIALS:
“He stapled my head back on. Upside down, but still.”
— Sir Reginald the Rotatable
“Didn’t heal me, but did monologue about internal bleeding while I died. 10/10.”
— Elf #4
“I woke up with more HP and fewer limbs. Still counts!”
— Barbara the Barbarian
WARNING:
The Medic is not a licensed practitioner in most kingdoms. Side effects may include tetanus, saltiness, accidental resurrection, and unsolicited anatomy lessons. Do not use Medic if allergic to blood, reality, or being told to “rub some dirt on it.”
Ask your local adventuring guild if the Medic is right for you!
(Or just scream until one appears. That usually works.)
Because nothing says "heroic fantasy" like field surgery with a rusty spoon.
Class: Medic
“It’s not magic. It’s gauze and guts.”
Hit Dice: 1d8 per Medic level
Primary Ability: Intelligence (because actual anatomy requires more than yelling “HEAL!”)
Saving Throws: Intelligence, Constitution
Proficiencies:
Armour: Light armour, stained scrubs, “borrowed” chainmail
Weapons: Daggers, scalpels, bonesaws, rolled-up medical scrolls
Tools: Herbalism kit, Healer’s kit, Bad Vibes Detector
Skills (choose 2): Medicine (duh), Insight, Persuasion, Sleight of Hand (for surgery), Intimidation (for bedside manner)
Level 1: Bedside Bother
You can stabilise a dying creature as a bonus action by shouting aggressively and slapping their face a few times. Also, your Healer’s Kit now has infinite uses, because you've repacked the bandages with duct tape and hope.
Level 2: Panicked Procedure
Once per short rest, you may attempt an emergency field surgery (DC 15 Medicine check). On a success, heal target for 2d6 + INT modifier HP. On a failure, you still heal them, but they now suffer from Mysterious Itch (disadvantage on Charisma checks until they bathe).
Level 3: Doctor’s Orders
You may now cast the following "medical" spells using syringes, balms, and the power of blunt honesty:
Spellcasting uses Intelligence as your spellcasting ability. All spells involve at least one sarcastic remark and one audible sigh.
Level 5: Multi-Task Malpractice
You can treat two patients at once; one physically, one emotionally. As an action, you may heal one ally for 3d8 + INT and give another ally Inspiration by telling them, “You’re not bleeding that much. Get back in there.”
Level 7: Battlefield Pharmacist
Gain the ability to mix Experimental Tonics. Roll 1d6 to determine random effect:
Adrenaline Rush – Double movement for 1 min, then crash (exhaustion)
Liquid Courage – Immune to fear, but must shout “FOR SCIENCE!” in combat
Hallucinogenic Panacea – Regain all HP, but now they think they’re a duck
Explosive Linctus – Heals 1d12 HP and explodes in a 5 ft radius for 2d6 damage
Mystery Syrup – Gain random spell effect (DM’s pick or Chaos Table)
Flat Coke – No effect. Mild disappointment.
Can be used once per short rest.
Level 10: Oath of "Do No Harm (Unless Provoked)"
Once per day, when an ally drops to 0 HP, you may perform a Dramatic Lifesaving Montage. This revives them with half HP and plays imaginary bagpipe music. Nearby enemies must make a WIS save (DC = 8 + INT + Prof Bonus) or be stunned in awe/horror for 1 round.
Alignment Suggestions:
Chaotic Good – Just wants to help. Probably shouldn't.
Lawful Neutral – Follows the ancient code of The British NHS Scrolls
Neutral Stressed – Technically here to save you. Emotionally not present.
Suggested Backgrounds:
Guild Artisan (Sawbones)
Sage (Studied at Unqualified Academy)
Charlatan (Plenty of bedside manner, no actual licence)
Medic Spells
Cantrips
1. Diagnostic Glare
Casting Time: 1 bonus action
Range: 60 feet
Effect: Choose one creature. You determine its current HP and any active conditions. Also reveals if it's faking it.
Side Effect: Target has disadvantage on their next deception check.
2. Pain Suppression Slap
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: Touch
Effect: Target is no longer stunned, paralyzed, or unconscious. However, they take 1 bludgeoning damage.
Verbal Component: “Snap out of it!”
3. Pep Talk
Casting Time: 1 action
Effect: Target regains 1d4 HP and gets a d4 Bardic Inspiration die if they say “Thank you, Doctor” sincerely.
1st-Level Spells
4. Gauze Golem
Conjuration
Casting Time: 1 action
Effect: Conjures a 1 HP animated bandage creature. Distracts enemies, fetches potions, or hugs wounded allies for moral support.
5. Medical Misfire
Evocation
Effect: You throw a potion with wild abandon. Target regains HP equal to 1d8 + INT, but must make a CON save or vomit glitter (disadvantage on Stealth for 1 minute).
6. Over-the-Counter Blessing
Buff
Effect: Up to 3 allies within 30 ft get +1 AC and advantage on saving throws… as long as they’re holding a cup of tea, biscuit, or lozenge.
2nd-Level Spells
7. Local Anaesthetic
Enchantment
Effect: Target becomes immune to pain (resistant to all damage) for 1 minute, but is also confused about reality (roll 1d6 each round to determine what they do).
8. Emotional Support Animal (Minor)
Conjuration
Effect: Summons a small creature (e.g., pigeon, hamster, overly affectionate raccoon) that follows the target and gives them advantage on Wisdom saves.
3rd-Level Spells
9. Full Organ Reset
Necromancy / Transmutation hybrid abomination
Effect: One ally regains 5d10 HP and is cured of all conditions. But their internal organs temporarily rearrange. Disadvantage on DEX saves until next long rest.
10. Triage Tempest
Evocation
Effect: In a 15-foot radius, you auto-stabilise all dying creatures, restore 2d6 HP to all allies, and give everyone a juice box. Enemies in the radius must make a CON save or slip on medical waste (fall prone).
4th-Level Spell
11. Doctor’s Note
Illusion
Effect: Forged documentation convincing any humanoid that the party is excused from combat, taxes, or social obligations. Requires a Performance or Sleight of Hand check. If failed, causes confusion (the condition, not the emotion).
5th-Level Spell
12. Experimental Defibrillation
Evocation
Effect: Target at 0 HP is revived with full HP and glowing eyes. Gains Haste for 1 minute. Then drops to 1 HP and takes 1 level of exhaustion once it wears off.
Side Effect: Their hair now permanently stands on end.
Bonus Spell: Passive-Aggressive Healing Word
Bonus Action
Verbal Component: “Oh, I suppose I could help you... again.”
Effect: Heals 1d4 HP + INT, but the target feels mildly ashamed. If cast on the same target more than 3 times in a day, they gain the Guilt Condition (disadvantage on Complaints).
Medic Class Progression Table (XP and Class Features)
Weapon Proficiencies
Proficient with:
Surgical tools (treated as daggers, but they’re very clean)
Light hammers (for “percussive healing”)
Blowpipes (for administering tranquilisers... or cough drops)
Syringe Launcher (counts as a hand crossbow, fires medicinal darts)
Not proficient with:
Anything sharp over 2 feet long
Anything described as “great” (e.g., greatsword, great axe, great club, great expectations)
Anything that looks cooler than a clipboard
Armour Proficiencies
Proficient with:
Padded armour (for falling over during procedures)
White coats (offer no AC bonus but +2 to charisma when intimidating pharmacists)
Light armour (if it's stain-resistant)
Not proficient with:
Medium or heavy armour ("restricts access to pockets")
Shields ("not enough room for a stethoscope decal")
Anything described as “tactical” unless it’s referring to plasters
Special Rule:
If the Medic accidentally kills an enemy with a melee weapon, they must immediately roll a DC 12 Wisdom save. On a fail, they enter a 1-minute existential crisis and can only use their bonus action to say things like “I swore an oath!” or “I was aiming for the spleen!”
Magic Items for the Medic
Bandage of Infinite Rewrapping
Wondrous item, uncommon
This enchanted bandage rewraps itself with flourish and drama every time it’s applied. Grants +1 to Medicine checks and disadvantage on Stealth, due to excessive crinkling.
Once per day, you can shout “Just walk it off!” and the bandage casts Lesser Restoration.
Thermos of Tranquillity
Wondrous item, rare
Appears to be a standard NHS-issue flask, but the contents always stay warm and deeply calming. Grants immunity to panic (the condition, not the emotion) while sipping.
Bonus: Once per short rest, you may pour tea for an ally. They regain 1d6 HP and inexplicably feel better about their life choices.
Bone Saw of Mercy
Weapon (bone saw), rare (requires attunement)
Deals 1d8 slashing damage. On a critical hit, instead of extra damage, you may remove one condition (e.g., poisoned, paralysed), assuming the limb wasn’t crucial.
Not usable on constructs, undead, or anyone with less than a C- in biology.
Potion of Ambiguous Effect
Potion, common
Roll 1d6:
Heal 2d4 HP
Grow a second belly button
Remove one disease or gain one random one
Grant 60ft of darkvision, but only in sepia
Feel great. No mechanical effect.
Explosive flatulence; enemies in 10ft radius must save or flee.
Doctor’s Coat of Holding
Wondrous item, rare
A white coat with too many pockets. Functions as a Bag of Holding, but only for small medical supplies, biscuits, and increasingly urgent appointment cards.
Once per day, you may reach into a pocket and produce exactly what the patient needs… unless it’s a will to live.
Stethoscope of Suspicion
Wondrous item, uncommon
When used to “listen” to a creature’s chest, you hear one random surface thought.
1/day, you may cast Detect Thoughts as long as you dramatically squint at your clipboard while doing so.
Syringe of Sudden Clarity
Weapon (syringe), very rare
This oversized, spring-loaded syringe injects “truth serum” (i.e., rumour juice).
3 charges. On hit, target must make a DC 15 Wisdom save or loudly confess something deeply inappropriate, irrelevant, or incriminating.
Example: “I never liked Cousin Jeffrey! He knows what he did!”
Sanitiser of Smite Evil
Wondrous item, rare
Functions as holy water when squirted. Also cleans 5-foot radius of any disease, dirt, or sin.
If applied to an undead creature, it must succeed on a Con save or recoil in horror from your hygiene.
Cursed Magic Items for the Medic
Clipboard of Passive-Aggressive Notes
Wondrous item, uncommon (cursed)
Grants +2 to Medicine checks… but only when you're being silently judged.
Curse: Every note you write drips with barely concealed disdain. Allies you heal must make a Wisdom saving throw (DC 13) or feel mildly insulted, gaining disadvantage on their next Charisma check as they spiral into self-doubt.
You cannot stop using the clipboard. It refuses to be put down, loudly clacking if ignored.
The Malpractice Gauntlet
Wondrous item, rare (cursed)
When worn, this elegant glove grants the ability to cast Cure Wounds as a cantrip. However…
Curse: Every time you heal someone, roll a d6:
1–2. You accidentally break a bone.
3–4. You swap their HP total with someone nearby.
5. They recover, but only in emotional health.
6. All is well. For now.Once worn, the glove cannot be removed without a Remove Curse spell and a strongly worded letter from the union.
Soap of Unending Scrubbing
Wondrous item, uncommon (cursed)
You are always clean. So clean, in fact, that you constantly emit a faint floral scent and soft lather.
Curse: You have disadvantage on Stealth checks. Every surface you touch becomes too sterile, killing helpful spores, microbes, and good bacteria. Nature spirits hate you. Druids throw compost at you.
Needle of Dubious Consent
Weapon (syringe), rare (cursed)
Acts like a +1 weapon and deals piercing damage. Can be used to cast Lesser Restoration on hit.
Curse: Each time it’s used, it demands verbal consent… in Celestial. If you fail to provide this, the spell fizzles and the syringe audibly judges you with a divine sigh. Also injects mild embarrassment (no save).
Spectacles of Clinical Detachment
Wondrous item, rare (cursed)
When worn, these give +2 to Insight and the ability to detect lying patients.
Curse: You lose all capacity for empathy. Allies healed by you gain HP, but suffer 1 level of Emotional Exhaustion unless they succeed a Charisma saving throw (DC 14). You find yourself saying things like “They were just a commoner anyway.”
Bag of Iatrogenic Snakes
Wondrous item, very rare (cursed)
Looks like a standard healer’s pouch. When opened, 1d4 spectral snakes emerge and perform mock medical procedures.
Curse: Every long rest, there’s a 10% chance they perform surgery on you while you sleep. Roll 1d6:
1–2. Lose 1d6 max HP
3–4. Wake up with someone else’s spleen
5. Gain an organ. No one knows what it does.
6. All goes well! You think.Cannot be emptied. If destroyed, the snakes just start commuting directly to your backpack.
Stethoscope of Grim Prognosis
Wondrous item, uncommon (cursed)
When used, this stethoscope whispers a patient’s fate into your ear.
Curse: It's always fatal. Even if they stubbed a toe, it murmurs: “He won’t make it through the weekend.”
You cannot stop believing it. All Medicine checks involving said patient are made with disadvantage due to existential dread.
Well, dear reader, you've done it. You’ve survived another issue of Dungeon Dunce Weekly, the only publication where your Cleric’s licence is revoked on sight and the triage system is just yelling “Next!” until someone stops bleeding.
Tune in next week when we cover Rogue Dentistry: Backstabbing Your Way to Braces and The Barbarian’s Guide to Herbal Teas.
Until then: keep your needles sharp, your gloves optional, and your malpractice insurance divine.
Dungeon Dunce Weekly — We Put the ‘Ow’ in ‘Oath of Healing’.
Sponsored by PlagueCo™: “If symptoms persist, cast Remove Curse and hope for the best.”
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